I went 5 weeks with slow, spotty internet, one of which I was relying purely on phone data that officially ran out after two days of use so I was stuck on circa-2005 era snail slow data speeds where images and most websites wouldn’t load at all. While largely a miserable time for doing anything normal and putting a literal event to the feeling of disconnection from the world to a high degree of clarity I apparently needed, I was able to set aside the trouble as temporary and spend more time watching movies I’ve largely missed. Naturally, I focused on horror.

I originally wrote mini-reviews aiming for under 300 characters (…and failed many times), but things took a turn when I was inspired by Nosferatu. These are more or less in order, but I’ve left that for the end. Otherwise, I’m partially copy-pasting my original words, partially editing to make them more readable.

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Bring Her Back
Eh. I don’t like family trauma movies very often and that was the core theme of this movie. There’s supernatural horror and gore in this but it felt more like slogging through emotional mud. People who evidently don’t like straightforward horror seemed to like this so maybe I’m picky.

The Occupant
I knew the pretty poster was going to be Color Out of Space lies. There was a tiny bit of sci-fi horror but the core of the movie was about addressing grief via one’s own survival. It’s a 5 on IMDB right now and that’s very fair.

Bridget Jones Mad About The Boy
This was my third movie in a row about grief. I would like to watch zero movies about grief. Otherwise, it was an easy watch, simple story, cute but not gross. There would have been pie-related violence if that prick had ghosted me because he boohoo caught fweewings.

The Ugly Stepsister
A horrific adult retelling of Cinderella. Fanciful, beautiful, and fantastical scenes intermixed with raw, off-putting, disgusting shit. Feels like it could be a triple feature between Marie Antoinette and The Substance. Ironically, the lead is quite pretty. This was one of the better, more interesting movies I’ve seen in recent history.

Phase IV
Thought I’d knock off a really old watchlist movie.
The amount of times I was attacked by red ants for merely sitting outside as a kid tells me that this is a fine documentary.
Many super slow, photography-rich scenes. Overall not bad, not great. Could have been better as a short/short story.

Repulsion
I likely have seen this before, but I hadn’t marked it as watched so I would have seen it at least 15 years ago. Details were gone, in any case.

If it weren’t for the horror element and the probable “man interprets women as frigid, fragile things in which to conquer” guilty conscious on display issue coming from the director, this was closing in on some asexual representation.

60 years later, this could have been snappier and I was getting bored by the end, but I liked the symbolism of the beauty salon, the rabbit, the nuns. Weird how little changes despite all.

Scanners
The opening mall scene reminded me of how sterile common spaces have become. Bring back warm colors & neon to the design world, please. Otherwise, I watched this movie while experimenting with a new tarot technique, so my original “review” is full of spoilers. All in all, the movie wasn’t quite what I expected, but it was plenty interesting.

Prince of Darkness
Through 2025 eyes, this one was not what it likely would have been in 1987. 80s/90s me would have liked this movie more.

The beginning is a bit of a drag and made me hate the leads but some of the stupid one-liners and visual gags made the movie. I particularly liked the compact mirror scene. (Same, girl.) Also enjoyed the thousand candles, spotlights, and still somehow the guy was conveniently walking around with a flashlight. How many god damn lights do you need? And why all these lights and equipment yet not a single security camera? Did no one think to film the evil lava lamp? I guess that’s what you get for recruiting 40 year old college students for shit.

Maybe a coincidence, but I noticed “homosexual panic rash” boy was named Walter, which is the name of the guy who owns (get this) Walter Chang’s Market in Tremors, who is the professor in this movie.

Also a fun (backwards) reference to They Live with “I live!” as well as the alien talk.

The Stuff
Lovably stupid & very 80s.

It was a trip to see real products & design aesthetics of the time in the background of shots. When did that go away? How’d I miss it? Is novelty-chasing and catering to the youth core to the human experience so much so that the old just disappears one day in favor of next new big things? I think of the concept of kipple but cultural waves of poverty & minimalism between the blind consumerism take care of unloved things and newly perceived, once-trendy trash.

Ironically, with as absurdly written the movie is, the essence of the plot could be reworked and modernized.

I should point out that a lot of what I saw as “80s” was meant to be consumed. Even the more static and enduring things – neon signs, wood paneling – are meant to eventually become future trash. Nothing lasts forever. Maybe that’s what much of human choices are about.

Anyway, I’m perhaps overthinking this movie, but it’s on brand, for both me and the movie.

Bride of Frankenstein
Men will do anything except go to therapy. I want to know what women of 1935 thought of this, especially those of the feminist variety. (I ended up trying to look it up but got paywalled. BOO.)

Crazy goth vibes without the punk influences that came from goth aesthetic in/after the 70s. It’s probably best I didn’t see this as a kid, already being pretty inclined to darkly things.

I cried at the friend scene.

FIRE BAD.

The Blackwell Ghost
And here comes The Blackwell Ghost. I watched all 8 movies. In a row.

10/10 found footage horror I somehow missed last decade. Creepy and effective despite its flaws. It’s only an hour long, which is great for the attention span I’ve lost since 2017. Just might watch the sequels now. Holding out for sentient trees. (Read: low budget found footage series joke.)

The Blackwell Ghost 2
Not as good as the first, as it’s mainly a continuation of the first and the new stuff isn’t followed up on beyond “well, that happened”, and it’s more obviously a faux doc. These don’t have a lot of shaky cam but what’s there got me feeling sick in a hurry, so, fair warning.

The Blackwell Ghost 3
How is he this old but he doesn’t know about *69? Those commercials were relentless when we were kids.

New location, new creepy vibes, but hits the same beats as the previous two movies.

Five (going on six) sequels to go. Dare I continue?

The Blackwell Ghost 4
Still doesn’t know about *69. Continued with the new place and it seems to be more enduring. This installment was more effectively creepy than the previous one and didn’t hit exactly the same beats. This guy lucked out creating an already-solo franchise like this before 2020 (the next movies).

The Blackwell Ghost 5
Some solid movement forward on the second property story but, of course, a cliffhanger. I’m glad these things are only about an hour since there’s a lot of repetitive waiting for him to figure out things that aren’t that complicated.

Three more to go and I’m caught up.

The Blackwell Ghost 6
Shark fully jumped.

We’re at a new familiar location: his house. Still hadn’t dialed *69 but perhaps we know the answer of what would have happened if he’d done so. No mention of Covid-19 even with hospital talk so it feels like a separate dimension. With how bored and irritated his wife was in the previous movies, the plot of this one feels incongruent. Given the houses, daycare, travel, etc: All that movie money must be nice.

Almost caught up. 🦈

The Blackwell Ghost 7
We’ve switched subgenres. Concentration has returned to the 2nd home story, now with a twist somewhere between Saw and The Riddler. The creepy factor has been replaced with tedium. Wtf happened to the teeth…?

One hour left.

The Blackwell Ghost 8
Remember when this franchise was about ghosts? That was pretty awesome.

I knew going into this series that it wouldn’t be the cream of the crop but after the last 2 movies the cliffhangers and tedium have worn thin. Maybe when 9 comes out I won’t care anymore & watch it anyway.

For found footage it kept me hooked until the lack of believability started to take the reigns, so if you like found footage you’ll like this, if only until the genre switches gears to true crime with bonus sad ghost.

I don’t think I’ve seen horror set in Florida before so that was something new.

Cemetery Man
Absurd horror-comedy about the title dumbass having a rough time because the dead are coming back but he just wants love. Seeing this as an older teen might have been fun but it’s a step beyond what I should have been watching in 1994 because of the sexual content. The Grim Reaper figure in this was neato.

Dracula
It’s hard not to think of the recent Nosferatu while watching this 30s classic. It’s also hard not to think about how little humanity has changed in 94 years despite huge leaps in technology.

I’m not sure how I missed this beyond lack of zeitgeist relevance, but it has now been Watched™✓.

Might just have to watch the original Nosferatu now and compare the three. I think it might qualify as the oldest movie I’ve ever seen, once I do so.

That said, I’m jonesing for Fright Night now. Sexy vampire gonna steal yr girl.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Came across like listening to an 8 year old tell a story someone else told them. No way dude rly? Gosh. I can’t ~believe~ that happened.
Slow. I skimmed. No gods no masters. Just because something is considered a highly-rated classic doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s taste.
Literally said “what the hell” at the ending.
The set dec was 10/10.

Oh, and this is now the oldest movie I’ve skimmed through. The former oldest movie I’ve ever seen, Metropolis, was way better.

Heart Eyes
Today’s medicine.

“best in Seattle” *palm trees in background* *filmed in NZ* …k.

Had post-Scream 90s vibes and felt like a Hallmark romance parody tied with maybe Scream 2..?

Not great but easy and digestible.

The Life of Chuck
I had a rough day battling summer and the lack of proper working internet, so I took a break from horror. Oddly this began much like my day was going. If I made the universe be what it was today, I am a masochist. Sorry, guys. Nice to see kitchen dancin’ in film.

The Hitcher ’86
Do you like Duel but need to see the evil truck driver and have a hard-on for Californian desert scenery? Have I got the film for you. Bonus youthful familiar faces.

Took me back in time to where I grew up. Hey look, more hot dirt!

Curse of the Demon
The more older movies I see, the more I’m reminded of how recycled human stories are. Perhaps in 1957 this was interesting, but I was struggling to remain engaged. Stiff acting. Didn’t care for the “benevolent” sexism. This era of film may not be for me right now. Will try again later.

Grave Encounters
Irritating protagonists get trapped in a haunted building. Much motion sickness to be had. I paused or stopped the movie to recover so many times I just didn’t care anymore. It was similar to Hell House and As Above, So Below (read: two found footage movies I hated). I should watch Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum already.

Eddington
Fine lines everywhere. Made me think of the Primus song “Conspiranoia”. The core plot has Taxi Driver vibes. Some pretty anxious and tense moments and being reminded of that specific time sucks, even if it lives with us still. The Geronimo thing made me lol, at least.

Nosferatu 1922
First, my review: this movie, despite its age, was excellent. The 2024 movie was a modernized step up (particularly in removing focus from the long boat scenes and giving space for now-modern inclination for movie stars), and seeing that movie first probably helped stay on track with the original, but I would have been fine seeing the original first.

But I was distracted when I saw the letter Count Orlok sent to the real estate agent… and proceed jokes.

• Wingdings is the language of death.

• Getting real sick of these cryptic doordash instructions.

• Grown man trying to read his wife’s grocery list. [Bitch we can’t afford a house!]

• I pulled up our zodiac charts and it said we were compatible, Jeff. Just look. See? My house in Envelope trines your Scorpio.

• Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, RUNE-A-PHONE!

• Hi, this is Rite Aid pharmacist Emma Johnson. I’m just looking at the prescription order slip you sent over for Mr. Orlok. I’m not sure if there’s a mistake here or if you actually mean you want him to take 3 scythes and 1 house every hour, because that doesn’t sound safe..? Oh, just 1? Alright!

• He glanced at the slip of paper he found on his Tinder date’s nightstand. There, to his horror, he learned that not only had she revealed herself to be a horse girl during their earlier coffee date, she was also an astrology girl. This would not do. He began to call an Uber.

• High school math was just too difficult for poor, sad 17 year old former child prodigy Lillian. The big red “F” and “SEE ME AFTER CLASS” doodled over her attempt at trigonometry told her she was definitely not getting into her first choice school now.

• Being able to read personalities from handwriting alone could sometimes be a gift, but looking at his elaborate letter signatures, she could tell this Orlok guy was a real twat.

After that “wingdings is the language of death” got stuck in mind, so I made it a shirt. Enjoy.

More crazy movie reviews to come, I’m sure. It’s actually horror movie season now!

I’ve been making a point to write mini-reviews or notes for most new movies I see within a day or so of watching them this year, so most of these were written fresh, and I’ve edited and added to them for readability. There’s going to be some lucidity here! And capital letters! Holy shit!

babygirl
Whoever scored this movie made my Le Tigre-loving day. Then I made the mistake of looking at reviews. Maybe it’s all AI lies but it really feels like the world got extra stupid somewhere along the way. Maybe it’s selective memory and a bit of isolation – people were prudish and superficial 20, 30 years ago, too. And people were inclined to inject opinion in things that just weren’t for them always. Synopsis: unhappy marriage leads to cheating + kink, but woman as main character in a story centered around sex led to misogyny online. Men are so delicate.

the gorge
If you like Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Annihilation type movies, The Gorge is up your alley. IMDB’s current rating of 6.7 is fair. I liked those prior-work actor references in the movie, too. Synopsis: wtf is them woods yo.

companion
A version of this story gets retold every few years. Humans and/or men are trash, et al, and the AI device is led into crisis leading towards autonomy. I may have watched too much Star Trek for this one. (non sequitur shiny black monolith goes here) That said, the horror crowd who does not normally partake in sci-fi, or those in their 20s newer to either, will probably enjoy it more.

flow
My original review: “1) crying, 2) Blender, 3) religious propaganda, 4) EE-VEN FLOWWWwWH.” I had Pearl Jam stuck in my head surrounding my watch of this movie. I generally recommend this to anyone because it’s quite an emotional journey following a cat after a flood, and it can be taken at surface value, but hardcore atheists are going to squint at it.

the brutalist
I generally think artistic experiences are ultimately worth the doing but meh. It was a just-okay bummer movie that went on too long and had a flat ending. I watched it primarily for award season, and it’s easy to be skeptical about what that crowd finds quality.

paprika
It seems I have issues paying attention to movies that involve multiple layers of reality. I understand what’s going on but my attention span just doesn’t give a shit and won’t let me stay engaged. Nearly 20 years out from this movie’s release, oh well, whatever, can’t win ’em all. One more highly-rated movie down.

presence
An after-school special disguised as a ghost story. Decent, relatively novel, but not the horror some would expect. People with motion sickness take caution. Apparently I’m old now and found the whole care bear dad schtick hot. More reasonable, emotionally intelligent men in film pls k thx. (Side-thought, I spent a good portion of the movie thinking I should paint my dresser because the girl’s dresser was cool. Probably I should not do this.)

love me
AI playing The Sims. This is an unusual movie and you’re going to have Feelings™ watching it. I can see a technically-minded sci-fi person or a detached cynical teenager hating it, but it works as an existential romance. Fuck the mid scores, it’s a 7.

gladiator 2
It existed.

kingdom of the planet of the apes
Long, like its title. Seemed foundational like the first episode of a TV series. Good ASL and pretty. Timed well with present-day politics.

love 2015
I did not write a review for this one after watching it. What do I even say? Feels pretty gross that one would knowingly involve a teenager into one’s threesome antics. There was more to this movie than that, but, like… ?! How do movies like this get well-rated but horror doesn’t? The trans sex scene also reminded me that ten years have passed since 2015. In the last few days I’ve seen a lot of news about censorship to prevent kids from seeing porn (NO! NOT THAT!) and I just want to say that I would like to see more sex scenes in movies for me to get annoyed at. Please take more chances in art, world. Stop censoring and age-gating shit. Little kids shouldn’t be on the internet anyway and teenagers are going to learn one way or another and better they have the resources to ask questions than to be hearing lies and idiocy from their friends & family. And yes, I’m quite aware that censorship’s main goal is controlling everyone and not just children.

mickey 17
I expected a sci-fi drama and got something closer to a comedy. I think if I’d gone into this blind I’d have liked it more. I obviously haven’t read its source material. It was interesting but I was really wanting for a two hour hope nap.

drop
While modern, this movie had a tone that reminded me of seeing random movies as a teen because there was nothing better to do, and, by result, ending up with a “well, that happened” sort of experience that didn’t matter later. It was fine. The leads were pretty. I mostly got through a headache. *shrug* Synopsis: dinner date goes awry because asshole helms technology.

the woman in the yard
You know the TV show The Haunting of Hill House? The basic plot was kind of like that except aggravatingly slow.

sinners
Held up to the hype well. Original review: “The long music scene was pretty cool. It used familiar horror tropes well. Nice to see some film grain. Thick accents and a brain fart I had means I’ll probably need to see it twice, which is fine.”

fear street prom queen
If I’ve read the book, I’ve forgotten it entirely. Target audience: bored 13 year olds who hate their peers and like horror but aren’t certain about it yet. Failed at: lesbian gaze, nostalgia porn, depth. There’s a place for simple horror, so, it was watchable. I was reminded that I didn’t watch the first three Fear Street movies. I started to watch one but it was bad timing with Life™ and I didn’t return. Perhaps it’s time to go back and do that.

the assessment
Synopsis: A couple wants to create a family in an apocalyptic future but has to approve it with the board first, but the board is fucking weird. All in all, a decent sci-fi in the realm of human condition exploration. The acting was uncomfortably good as well. A fun reminder of why kids are not for me.

salem’s lot
Well, that’s the first time I’ve fallen asleep watching a movie in quite a long time. The pieces were greater than the whole. It lacked impact and depth, and the villains felt like Disney characters. There’s a place for simplicity but, eh, with existing works?

until dawn
Happy Death Day meets Cabin In The Woods. Middle-of-the-road for horror but entertaining. The dialogue & acting was odd and the first ~20 mins almost made me quit. Noticed the Hellraiser II “help me” reference, so that was fun. Also enjoyed the can-meets-head THUNK.

the crow
Even perceived as a standalone, this was not a good movie. Maybe there were elements in there of something good but it was, as they say, mid at best. I’m not sure what the point of making it was.

die hard
I tried to watch Die Hard years ago and didn’t finish it for reasons I no longer remember, but I do remember not being that interested in it and being confused about its draw. On return, I still don’t understand how this movie is so ubiquitously popular. I’ve been thinking a lot this past year or so about certain types of men who visualize themselves to be unique heroes, very Root For Team Jeff (or my old review joke, Hero Bob), but everyone is Jeff, so that might be exactly what the draw of this is. And the beyond-mediocre ratings are certainly a result of men over-valuing their own stories and being louder online in places like IMDB. I just had a giggle at the idea of this movie catalyzing someone’s feminism.

christine
Somehow I’ve never seen this before now, and it’s a shame, because it’s one of the better movies I’ve seen in recent history. The music really enhanced everything, including the dark humor. The gas station scene was excellent. With the low-to-no gore kills, I got to thinking that this movie drove so Nightmare on Elm Street’s disgusting torture scenes could walk (not really, but they do feel like opposite ends of the horror movies that came out in the early 80s spectrum). The take on toxic masculinity makes me wonder if that’s a broad theme that I missed for the diversity of output from Stephen King. Wonder what a modern take on the concept would look like or if we’re past bullying nerds. ha ha, nope.

heat
I guess I missed this when it came out. All the same, I don’t think 13 year old me would have cared. For modern day, it reminded me of a more terrestrial criminal-cop version of The Dark Knight. Weird how much the world has changed in 30 years.

the house 2022
Well, this was fucking weird. Three stories connected by a house. They all felt like insane nightmares and had Kafka vibes. The middle story featured bugs, which I was relating to because I’ve been trying to save my plants from being eaten by bugs lately. A day later I went to tackle that situation and while I was shuffling things around at some distance from my plants I found one of the bugs in this movie. I’ve never had said bug in my adult living situation and I was transported to little kid me coming home with my parents, turning on the kitchen light, and watching all the roaches scatter under the fridge. It was a brief problem but the fact that I remember it is enough to tell me that this is a situation that can get out of control quickly. My place is pretty clean and I was treating my plants for harmless-to-me bugs anyway, but I don’t know my neighbors’ situations, so I’m worried this is going to become a thing. Took me right back to the movie. Am I going to come home one of these days to a family of humanoid roach creatures eating everything? Perhaps.

strange magic
I guess I’m digging all the way to the bottom now. Simple, easy story good for older kids and uncynical types. The hair was very Can I Speak To The Manager and the music was icky. Outdated but I’m not even sure it was trying for 2015.

wolf man
Super thin plot. Familiar to a lot of 2000s-era dull horror centered on generational trauma. Some of the visually-told split perspective ideas could have been interesting in a different movie. The actors deserved better. Time passed, checks marked, list item deleted, alright what’s next.

the rule of jenny pen
Very “thanks, I hate it.” Almost a documentary from my experience working in/around aging care. Only thing missing is an old guy yelling about his time in the service, though it’s maybe obviously missing from this because it takes place in New Zealand (hold up, is the “my time in ‘nam” stereotype about to leave the realm of old folks homes? Or will it just be replaced by something-something Kuwait, Iraq?). Lacks the supernatural edge of tr00 horror but nevertheless horrific from the main character’s perspective.

28 years later
Lots of naked zombies in this. This wasn’t the most linear story to follow Days & Weeks, but it still added up to a fair zombie movie with decently fleshed out characters and the gross (or, metal lingo, ~brutal~) scenes one would expect. Nice switcheroo reference to Dawn of the Dead with the pregnancy thing. JIMMAY!

We’re closing in on a new season of horror movies, so I imagine the next movie review post will be full of that. That said, I won a movie theater voucher recently, so just maybe I’ll spice shit up here and report on something right after it comes out. Shock!

We’re at that odd time of the year where I’m burnt out from the horror movie and year-end seasons, movies I mean to see before awards parades I’m either not in the mood for or they haven’t been widely released yet, and I keep thinking “I should watch this old movie and have an existential crisis about how old I am” to knock some supposed classics and best-ofs off my queue. It’s probably a clue that I should actually knock out a book or do some creative things. Alas, the hurty head times are always lurking in the shadows demanding 2 hours of stillness, so here we are again.

Heretic
At first I thought it seemed a bit cruel that this featured two mormon ladies. Like, y0, we’re picking at the bottom of the barrel of society here. But, if it were two missionary boys, the movie would have ended when Hugh Grant held up an old Playboy and excitedly asked “who likes dinosaurs!!” Repressed Brother Smith had prayed for this day for years! Anyway, reminded me of a cross between Nefarious, Barbarian, and Men. Fine but not fantastic.

Red Rooms
True crime courtroom Batman. Interesting enough but best worked for me in context of cleansing me of lingering negativity towards emotionally intense French movies and/or Canada.

Things Will Be Different
RIYL low budget time travel movies. In this one the characters are already aware of the time travel, so, that’s new. Did not like the filming style. The ending felt off and made me feel like I missed something, which is altogether possible.

Anora
While not the same tone or level of violence, RIYL Tarantino movies. Absolutely do not watch this with stuffy or emotionally immature people. I feel like anything else I say would be a spoiler, but the synopsis of a sex worker meeting a rich guy whose parents aren’t about that shit is accurate. I’m curious to see how the Oscars treat this movie given its content. Otherwise, a very decent movie and caused me to tweak my early end-of-year list.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1974
Well shit. Now I see all of the references in those Rob Zombie movies. Excellent set dec. Definitely in the “WTF” camp. Better than I thought it was going to be. But I’m still not much of a fan of slashers. Teenage me probably would have liked it more but I have since grown empathy and tired ears. (When they pulled up to the gas station, I swear the guy was going to scream “Pancakes!”)

Nightbitch
Mild horror drama about motherhood being a burden. If you’ve ever had to take care of a person, young or old, for an extended period of time alone, you’ll perfectly understand it. I lol’ed when she talked to the cat. The rating it has is fair considering who tends to rate movies. Meanwhile, I had CSS’s “Art Bitch” stuck in my head the whole time. Almost relevant!

Rumours
This was my punishment for not checking ratings for movies before watching them and believing the cast alone would make for a good watch. Maybe going in blind on movies is not the best policy. Either way, didn’t care for it. This was my first movie seen of 2025.

Turning Red
The talk about this movie 2-3 years ago led me to believe it was going to be about periods. It was actually just a general coming-of-age movie focused on a do-good teen girl learning to live in her own shoes and her family’s matriarchal culture. Decent, easy watch but I’m glad I unintentionally didn’t watch it when it came out because of the parent relationship here.

The Red Shoes 1948
Even 77 years of society and film later, this felt relevant. Men be menning. The long ballet scene was worth the watch.

Dressed To Kill
Pretty transphobic in the way Silence of the Lambs is but worth it for the lols brought on by the “what’s in this drawer?” scene and the lady sitting behind the son scene. Much nudity. Much horrible acting by the second lead woman (apparently she nearly won a Razzie). For 1980, it tried.

Double Blind
I stopped it halfway and forgot I was watching it, and when I finally picked it back up days later it didn’t make much of a dent. It’s not bad, but ultimately it came across as a middle-of-the-road mild horror. It might have been better as a TV episode than a movie.

Jaws
Well, I finally watched the whole thing. I’ve of course seen it in tiny pieces in culture, and one scene reminded me that I rode whichever Universal Studios ride that had a Jaws part in it, but whether I saw it as a young kid is uncertain anymore. It felt new… and it felt like 1975. The vet was an interesting character, the main dudes generally felt well-rounded, and the shark had a decent amount of realism even for 2025 standards (let’s be real, special effects peaked in the 80s before digital-everything took over and this movie contributed to that peak). But, brutal death aside, the sense of danger in movies in the 70s doesn’t compare to later iterations. But I saw it, finally.

Sunshine
This title doesn’t lead to remembering it well vs dozens of other space movies. I accidentally started watching Serenity first before I clued in that it was overly SyFy and I should check to make sure it wasn’t a TV movie and I was spoiling some TV show for myself. Indeed. Ok then, another day for that one. Anyway, in 2007 this would have made a dent, but today it mostly caused a strange feeling of realizing things that happened in 2007 now feel dated. It’s not committing any major temporal atrocities, but the small things added up and reminded me that 2007 was 18 years ago and omfg. What the fuck. Why? As for the movie itself, it’s about an earth-saving mission to the sun and a crew with evident brain damage with writing featuring plot holes and direction that reminded me of American Horror Story at times. It’s not terrible, if you like sci-fi with typical human idiots in it you’ll like it, and it had at least one interesting idea, but I checked out by the last third of the movie.

A Real Pain
Given the characters, this felt akin to a comfort movie for people with depression. It kind of just ‘was’.

Nosferatu
Talk about stylish. There are definitely similarities to The Witch, etc, which are hard to ignore. But this movie was the mopey romantic-era goth side of pretty. Kid me would have ate this movie up. I’ve never seen the 1920s original movie despite repeatedly planning to, so I have nothing to directly compare it to in terms of style or story, but as a standalone entity, nice job. Loved the shadow over the city scene. Thought of the movie Legend at least once, as well as The Keep, Fright Night, and Possession, and (of course) Night on Bald Mountain. I am definitely going to see this a second time. Will this hark the return of creepy vampires?

I’m presently planning to type here a bit more often as the social media landscape that I’ve been attached to most the last 15 years has grown stale at best. I’m very much not a fan of policy changes that discount LGBTQIA+ people or allow space to treat non-straight relationships as lesser. The inauguration and the subsequent corporate bootlicking that’s followed despite the president clearly associating with a nazi now fueled to the point of no longer hiding it has really put me off on associating with anyone or anything that’s complacent to this. We can deal with a bit of discomfort and inconvenience in divorcing ourselves from these entities and do better.

Since I was watching a lot of horror movies recently anyway, I decided I might try to keep the habit going for the duration of October. I’ve seen mention of folks watching 31 horror movies this month, but even in my attempt to get caught up on horror over a couple of months about 8-9 years back when I was really needing movies as an escape and had the time, I don’t think I managed that speed, so I think me getting through a movie every 2-3 days is fair enough. There’s something to be said, also, of quality over quantity, but I know that argument fails in my sometimes random, near-blind choices.

We left off in September and the only movie I didn’t yet write about was, indeed, horror, so we start there to fill in the gap, but everything after the first of these I wrote in the following hours of seeing the film. Fresh thoughts?! Who knew it was possible.

Apartment 7A
I didn’t know this was a Rosemary’s Baby prequel right away – I’ve said many a time now that I usually avoid trailers and synopses and fill my to-watch queue with abandon far in advance of watching anything – but the idea clicked into place regardless. Did Rosemary’s Baby need a prequel? Absolutely not. Did this add anything to that universe? I mean, technically… but its value is questionable. The first scenes of the movie hit and the idea could have been twisted to be a standalone movie instead. The ending made logical sense but also fell a bit flat. Puns!

American Werewolf In London
I had many thoughts watching this after not seeing it since the 90s but the TLDR is that it still holds up 43 years later. Kid/teen me missed Miss Piggy commenting on the value of violence in art in the background of one scene, so that was extra fun. If for some crazy reason you’ve never seen this and you enjoy horror, please do the thing.

The Devil’s Bath
Incredibly slow atmospheric almost-horror about a lady having a real hard time because her new marriage and the community in which she lives sucks. I feel ya, lady. I was going for mental vacation and not soul mirrors when I can conjure frustration about humanity just fine on my own, so am disappoint, but it was a thing. RIYL You Won’t Be Alone + The VVitch.

AfrAId
A live version of The Atomic Bitchwax “The Destroyer” just shuffled on and the last minute and a half of listening to a real band play real instruments 19 years ago was more compelling to my soul than an hour-plus of whatever this was. Not the worst movie I’ve seen by any stretch, but it has the impact of american cheese on cold stale white bread. They tried^TM but no thanks.

Speak No Evil
I didn’t realize I was watching a remake right away, so here’s my original review from two years ago to start with: Speak No Evil (2022): two families decide to hang out at one of their homes. turns out the one family sucks. this had several languages in it but i don’t think you need to speak any of them to understand what happens due to the universally uncomfortable ride the visiting family goes through. i actually got preemptively upset at a key scene because i could see things were about to turn and i had to shut off the movie for a while to recover from what i hadn’t yet watched. not a fan of the ending but who would be.

And Speak No Evil (2024): I realized this was a remake a few minutes in, what with the plot of the original being so unique. The details got puzzle-pieced around and the scene that made me stop the original didn’t have the same impact, but I’d guess most folks aren’t going to watch the original so they aren’t going to know what’s coming nor what’s been twisted for Americans^TM. The key change at the end of the movie made me giggle and then laugh at myself for laughing. Both of these are worth watching for the different emotional takes on the viewer side, but longtime horror-thriller fans will better appreciate the tension and consistent mood of the original. That said, I apparently seem to love when movies do the anti-sanctimonious thing and don’t play into stupid rules.

Swallowed
This would be a good movie to use to weed out people who are showing red flags of being super into masculinity and social decorum. It featured a porn star whose friend wants to give him a going away present, which goes awry, and it devolves into an adventure that sucks. Shots are mostly too close which adds to the nauseated feeling of what’s going on despite apparently being low budget. Wouldn’t necessarily recommend this one unless you’re looking for more gay rep in horror, but it leans closer to crime-thriller territory despite technically being body horror.

Cuckoo
A welcome sort of weird. I heard Dan Stevens’ voice and immediately knew this was going to be some level of interesting. The overall tone, character focus, and figure-it-out-yourself-dumbass vibe puts this in line with I Saw The TV Glow. Most plot discussion is a spoiler, but the focus of the movie was on a teenager who’s pissed she has to live with dad in a creepy place. One time I was at my dad’s and a lady high on something and likely looking for more crazy juice suddenly slammed open my door to speed-talk nonsense at me before just-as-suddenly beelining in the direction of my dad, so I get it. Thankfully, I was not impregnated from that encounter, but she probably already instinctively knew my DNA was unsuitable trash.

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I originally wrote something different for Cuckoo, but it got derailed by a separate thought so I rewrote it… hence the extra creativity towards the end there. That actually happened, if not the relevant movie part to it, but my original thought went somewhere entirely different after I got to thinking of I Saw The TV Glow again.

I need to backtrack so this doesn’t sound like it means something it doesn’t. I watched plenty of movies and TV as a teenager, but I wasn’t particularly obsessive about any of it. I liked what I liked, I hoped for more good things, but I would have chosen to live my life and have more “real” experiences over watching TV, and save for the buffer hour after I got home from school, I usually did. That said, in I Saw The TV Glow during the scene where they’re discussing sexuality and the main character pauses and says he likes TV, I felt that hard. Teenage me was not meaningfully into anyone and seeing that level of representation 25-30 years too late was fan-fucking-tastic. Until later scenes that recontextualized things into more of a trans experience, I interpreted that as an expression of asexuality. How often does that happen? Just about never.

My sexuality turned out not to have a clear-cut label, but my acceptance of heteronormativity shifted in my teen years regardless to believing bi/pan is much more likely the human default. This thought automatically goes back to gender, especially in context of the movie thoughts, and I was reminded of a recent conversation.

I was talking to a straight white cis man. He was whining that he was, in short, disappointed by modern movies and then said most movies these days weren’t made for him (straight men) anyway. My initial thoughts were it was obviously for the lack of trying because I find gems all of the time. Who knew The Substance was going to be THAT good? But he didn’t watch horror and only seemed to skim the surface of media for paths already traveled, so of course he was going to get surface results. It’s the same garbage argument people use to say modern music sucks when they only pay attention to so-called radio music, meanwhile I can’t keep up whether we’re talking Grammy pop or doom only released through Bandcamp.

Sitting on the thought, I recalled all of the movies I watched as a kid, teen, adult specifically made for a male-centric, male gaze audience. Some of these are all-time favorite movies. Even catering to a certain taste (avoiding gritty movies and horror), I don’t think I’ve ever had a problem enjoying a movie even if it completely failed the Bechdel Test. I’m not particularly wowed by “general audiences” or family movies and tend to avoid them, but I still watch them occasionally and find value in the doing.

Watching so many horror movies in a row where folks across the spectrum of life are getting the horror treatment in ways that generally have nothing to do with me as a person, I’m left wondering how lacking one’s imagination or ability to feel empathy must be that self-rep or group-rep is a requirement to appreciate an interesting story.

I also wonder if there’s a point in straight white guys’ lives where they decide the media they consume must represent them as an individual member of Team Dude. I’m a man now – I can’t be watching none of that kid/woman/LGBT shit! Or, often, anything not properly filtered as okay if a member of a not-white race might show up on screen. I’m reminded of more than a decade ago getting excited about the movie Ponyo and a 30-some year old man said he wasn’t going to watch it. How embarrassing would that be, being seen watching an animated movie that hams up the cuteness. We all individually have our tastes and preferences and boundaries, but it struck me as ridiculous because it’s a fantastic, well-rated movie. It wasn’t like me waffling over a top-rated hero movie and putting it off into oblivion until I’m finally in the right headspace for it; he plainly said he wasn’t going to watch it. Back to modern day, it has become a personal joke to read IMDB reviews after I see a movie, especially one that features black people, has a lady protagonist, or features rainbow spectrum or non-gaze sexual content – let’s play “spot the man” in the reviews! They’re always so disappointed that they had to follow the journey of someone who didn’t echo their personal reflection.

We could also flip this around and target the other side of the coin for me when it comes to music, where I’ve been belittled and out-grouped in so-called female spaces because of my inclination for metalisms despite knowing about other genres, often better than they do. There’s a superficial perception that it’s “for men” due to its sonic aggression or darkness. Meanwhile I – me, a lady – am loving that a work metal band just released a new album that sounds like it falls off a psychological cliff entering rip-in-spacetime horror territory, and I’m looking forward to hopefully someday talking about that band’s American tour dates again. If I can find comfort and intrigue here, why not you?

This all got me thinking about what I value in media. Creativity, novelty, weirdness, and fresh perspectives came to mind. I’d much rather see folks upset, shaken up, confused, or offended that something exists in an artistic space than live in a world that sucks because people refuse to question and keep doing the same shit over and over. So, it stands to reason I would be attracted to finding more interesting media and not residing myself to a particular script of self-representation, and would similarly find someone who can’t enjoy something because they don’t seem themselves in it very internally lacking.

That said, narcissism is a big term getting thrown around these days, and one really wonders if that’s a core value of ye olde straight white guy.

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Hard to believe I had such difficulty with English classes, but god damn did I hate that class. Science all the things.

More horror later.

I feel like changing the name of this series from “shitty reviews” since I feel like it might be giving people the wrong impression and maybe I should be including the series name in the title. Unfortunately, I’m drawing a blank, and near-literals don’t feel correct. Quickies? Opinion Time? Experiential Assessment? I don’t know. How’s “The Movie Report”? I guess that means the other part of this is “The Music Report”? Hmm.

Anyway, have some capital letters!

horror in the high desert 3
I’ll compare this one to music. You know when you’re a fan of a genre of music and you discover a local band does that specific genre of music, but they’re new and deliver albums that are kind of a mess? So sharing that band with others feels a bit off, unless you know that person also really enjoys the genre? This franchise is on par with that. It’s fine, because I really like horror, but if I didn’t I would find these movies pretty frustrating. At this point I’m invested in the story and am curious to know where it goes, if anywhere, but… yeah. The ending made me think of The Happening, so there’s that.

the beyond
Found footage style sci-fi. Earth is dealing with a mysterious alien thing and it just so happens there’s an astronaut-related advancement going on at the same time, so “we” end up sending astronauts to investigate. It was very watchable and the IMDB rating is mean.

kinds of kindness
Three compelling stories featuring mostly the same people playing different characters going through some fucked up shit. Each story is odd and leads to the protagonist hitting some emotional wall in an otherwise very frustrating situation. It’s definitely interesting.

longlegs
I spent a lot of this one thinking about how in Con Air the guy is getting released from prison where he will then promptly celebrate his daughter’s birthday on July 14th. There’s a scene in it where the alpha prisoner reads the daughter’s letter and puts on a voice, saying “mah birfday is joo-lie fo’teenf” or whatever. As soon as I heard one of the kids in Longlegs was born 7/14, I heard that mocking voice the entire time I watched this. That said, this was a fun horror movie, especially if you’re already aware of the many Nic Cage tropes and are basically waiting for the entirely unnecessary scenes where he has a dramatic outburst and makes it weird. This got compared to Silence of The Lambs early on, but don’t go into it expecting that. It’s a loose comparison.

a quiet place day one
A fresh take on the franchise to the point that it felt like a separate idea from the first Quiet Place movies. A lot of movies and TV shows that take place there over-focus on how special New York City is, but the specificity this one had felt less like old news. Characters were all solid. No bad ASL. Plenty watchable.

trap
I know the main guy here from my teen years seeing The Faculty, playing a key good guy character in that movie. His pretty face nice guy dad vibes lead to a willful deception early in this movie before the “…oh” moment strikes. The typical M. Night elements are there but they’re layered under a better plot than some movies. I really liked seeing a movie that so realistically covered the experience of seeing a big venue concert. It’s still a movie with a bit of fibbing to carry forth the plot, but great job with that.

immaculate
Do we need more nun, possession, devil, cult, evil forces, religious horror movies? Absolutely not. But I watched this, and it happened. It was a little better than some from this entire genre of awful, but it’s still what it is. I asked tarot about it before I watched it and it effectively gave me a shrug, “yeah it’s a devil baby movie, I don’t know what more you want me to say here”.

oddity
Too slow. I had to restart it three times to finish it. There are select pieces – the fucking mummy thing? – that might have struck me had I not been bored already. I think this movie is meant more for an audience who doesn’t normally watch horror, who are more into creepypasta and campfire stories about the creepy ghosts oh no not the creepy ghost yep that’s the whole story here’s a flashlight under my chin for emphasis. Maybe I just don’t like ghost stories.

the deliverance
A fairly realistic depiction of a family dealing with dramatics at home that takes a turn for the looney. Some religious propaganda vibes near the end, sort of like in the sense of AA selling god on folks. Glenn Close says some funny things if you need a dark laugh. Got me thinking I haven’t seen The People Under The Stairs in a while, so, there’s that.

the bikeriders
I was expecting to be reminded of my dad (a pre-and-post vietnam biker) when watching this, and sure enough, I thought of him the entire time. The core message of folks being what they are – that regardless of specifics, they don’t change – hit me hard. Personal takes aside, it was a quality movie.

the substance
One note: “jesus h christ”. What I wrote immediately after still stands: “Do you like body horror? Are you a masochist? Do you wish David Cronenberg would personally show up to your house to tell you a bedtime story worthy of boobie nightmares? You will like this movie. It nailed the genre and went the fuckin’ distance. If you can handle gore, do it.” I may punish myself watching this a second time in the upcoming months to ensure I didn’t just need a two hour vacation from my reality that day, but I think it was my favorite movie this year. If you wish the tv show Physical would turn into the movie Freaked and had a NIN soundtrack, go for it. Styrofoam cup and “Fiddle Faddle?” this whole thing.

humanist vampire seeking consenting suicidal person
I’ve been putting this one off a while because I was trying to avoid romance. Oh, wait, cool, no romance here. This has a target audience of teens/college-aged, but it works outside of that context. I liked it. Someone compared the vampire here to being demisexual and that’s a pretty good take. If you liked the movie Fido, you’ll get something out of this, and vice versa.

chime
“WTF?” I had to look up what the hell I watched afterwards. The atmosphere of this short movie is great, but the logic is MIA. Having read other people’s words, maybe that was the point and I was looking at the movie at a surface level, but the initial scene and title puts off sonic pandemic vibes so that’s what I was expecting. Maybe it was more general nonsense all the things. I still don’t know. I did notice the background of one scene being weird but couldn’t pin why.

And all caught up for the moment. Will I spend the next month inhaling horror movies like I did the last one? We shall see.