I’ve been making a point to write mini-reviews or notes for most new movies I see within a day or so of watching them this year, so most of these were written fresh, and I’ve edited and added to them for readability. There’s going to be some lucidity here! And capital letters! Holy shit!
babygirl
Whoever scored this movie made my Le Tigre-loving day. Then I made the mistake of looking at reviews. Maybe it’s all AI lies but it really feels like the world got extra stupid somewhere along the way. Maybe it’s selective memory and a bit of isolation – people were prudish and superficial 20, 30 years ago, too. And people were inclined to inject opinion in things that just weren’t for them always. Synopsis: unhappy marriage leads to cheating + kink, but woman as main character in a story centered around sex led to misogyny online. Men are so delicate.
the gorge
If you like Silent Hill, Resident Evil, Annihilation type movies, The Gorge is up your alley. IMDB’s current rating of 6.7 is fair. I liked those prior-work actor references in the movie, too. Synopsis: wtf is them woods yo.
companion
A version of this story gets retold every few years. Humans and/or men are trash, et al, and the AI device is led into crisis leading towards autonomy. I may have watched too much Star Trek for this one. (non sequitur shiny black monolith goes here) That said, the horror crowd who does not normally partake in sci-fi, or those in their 20s newer to either, will probably enjoy it more.
flow
My original review: “1) crying, 2) Blender, 3) religious propaganda, 4) EE-VEN FLOWWWwWH.” I had Pearl Jam stuck in my head surrounding my watch of this movie. I generally recommend this to anyone because it’s quite an emotional journey following a cat after a flood, and it can be taken at surface value, but hardcore atheists are going to squint at it.
the brutalist
I generally think artistic experiences are ultimately worth the doing but meh. It was a just-okay bummer movie that went on too long and had a flat ending. I watched it primarily for award season, and it’s easy to be skeptical about what that crowd finds quality.
paprika
It seems I have issues paying attention to movies that involve multiple layers of reality. I understand what’s going on but my attention span just doesn’t give a shit and won’t let me stay engaged. Nearly 20 years out from this movie’s release, oh well, whatever, can’t win ’em all. One more highly-rated movie down.
presence
An after-school special disguised as a ghost story. Decent, relatively novel, but not the horror some would expect. People with motion sickness take caution. Apparently I’m old now and found the whole care bear dad schtick hot. More reasonable, emotionally intelligent men in film pls k thx. (Side-thought, I spent a good portion of the movie thinking I should paint my dresser because the girl’s dresser was cool. Probably I should not do this.)
love me
AI playing The Sims. This is an unusual movie and you’re going to have Feelings™ watching it. I can see a technically-minded sci-fi person or a detached cynical teenager hating it, but it works as an existential romance. Fuck the mid scores, it’s a 7.
gladiator 2
It existed.
kingdom of the planet of the apes
Long, like its title. Seemed foundational like the first episode of a TV series. Good ASL and pretty. Timed well with present-day politics.
love 2015
I did not write a review for this one after watching it. What do I even say? Feels pretty gross that one would knowingly involve a teenager into one’s threesome antics. There was more to this movie than that, but, like… ?! How do movies like this get well-rated but horror doesn’t? The trans sex scene also reminded me that ten years have passed since 2015. In the last few days I’ve seen a lot of news about censorship to prevent kids from seeing porn (NO! NOT THAT!) and I just want to say that I would like to see more sex scenes in movies for me to get annoyed at. Please take more chances in art, world. Stop censoring and age-gating shit. Little kids shouldn’t be on the internet anyway and teenagers are going to learn one way or another and better they have the resources to ask questions than to be hearing lies and idiocy from their friends & family. And yes, I’m quite aware that censorship’s main goal is controlling everyone and not just children.
mickey 17
I expected a sci-fi drama and got something closer to a comedy. I think if I’d gone into this blind I’d have liked it more. I obviously haven’t read its source material. It was interesting but I was really wanting for a two hour hope nap.
drop
While modern, this movie had a tone that reminded me of seeing random movies as a teen because there was nothing better to do, and, by result, ending up with a “well, that happened” sort of experience that didn’t matter later. It was fine. The leads were pretty. I mostly got through a headache. *shrug* Synopsis: dinner date goes awry because asshole helms technology.
the woman in the yard
You know the TV show The Haunting of Hill House? The basic plot was kind of like that except aggravatingly slow.
sinners
Held up to the hype well. Original review: “The long music scene was pretty cool. It used familiar horror tropes well. Nice to see some film grain. Thick accents and a brain fart I had means I’ll probably need to see it twice, which is fine.”
fear street prom queen
If I’ve read the book, I’ve forgotten it entirely. Target audience: bored 13 year olds who hate their peers and like horror but aren’t certain about it yet. Failed at: lesbian gaze, nostalgia porn, depth. There’s a place for simple horror, so, it was watchable. I was reminded that I didn’t watch the first three Fear Street movies. I started to watch one but it was bad timing with Life™ and I didn’t return. Perhaps it’s time to go back and do that.
the assessment
Synopsis: A couple wants to create a family in an apocalyptic future but has to approve it with the board first, but the board is fucking weird. All in all, a decent sci-fi in the realm of human condition exploration. The acting was uncomfortably good as well. A fun reminder of why kids are not for me.
salem’s lot
Well, that’s the first time I’ve fallen asleep watching a movie in quite a long time. The pieces were greater than the whole. It lacked impact and depth, and the villains felt like Disney characters. There’s a place for simplicity but, eh, with existing works?
until dawn
Happy Death Day meets Cabin In The Woods. Middle-of-the-road for horror but entertaining. The dialogue & acting was odd and the first ~20 mins almost made me quit. Noticed the Hellraiser II “help me” reference, so that was fun. Also enjoyed the can-meets-head THUNK.
the crow
Even perceived as a standalone, this was not a good movie. Maybe there were elements in there of something good but it was, as they say, mid at best. I’m not sure what the point of making it was.
die hard
I tried to watch Die Hard years ago and didn’t finish it for reasons I no longer remember, but I do remember not being that interested in it and being confused about its draw. On return, I still don’t understand how this movie is so ubiquitously popular. I’ve been thinking a lot this past year or so about certain types of men who visualize themselves to be unique heroes, very Root For Team Jeff (or my old review joke, Hero Bob), but everyone is Jeff, so that might be exactly what the draw of this is. And the beyond-mediocre ratings are certainly a result of men over-valuing their own stories and being louder online in places like IMDB. I just had a giggle at the idea of this movie catalyzing someone’s feminism.
christine
Somehow I’ve never seen this before now, and it’s a shame, because it’s one of the better movies I’ve seen in recent history. The music really enhanced everything, including the dark humor. The gas station scene was excellent. With the low-to-no gore kills, I got to thinking that this movie drove so Nightmare on Elm Street’s disgusting torture scenes could walk (not really, but they do feel like opposite ends of the horror movies that came out in the early 80s spectrum). The take on toxic masculinity makes me wonder if that’s a broad theme that I missed for the diversity of output from Stephen King. Wonder what a modern take on the concept would look like or if we’re past bullying nerds. ha ha, nope.
heat
I guess I missed this when it came out. All the same, I don’t think 13 year old me would have cared. For modern day, it reminded me of a more terrestrial criminal-cop version of The Dark Knight. Weird how much the world has changed in 30 years.
the house 2022
Well, this was fucking weird. Three stories connected by a house. They all felt like insane nightmares and had Kafka vibes. The middle story featured bugs, which I was relating to because I’ve been trying to save my plants from being eaten by bugs lately. A day later I went to tackle that situation and while I was shuffling things around at some distance from my plants I found one of the bugs in this movie. I’ve never had said bug in my adult living situation and I was transported to little kid me coming home with my parents, turning on the kitchen light, and watching all the roaches scatter under the fridge. It was a brief problem but the fact that I remember it is enough to tell me that this is a situation that can get out of control quickly. My place is pretty clean and I was treating my plants for harmless-to-me bugs anyway, but I don’t know my neighbors’ situations, so I’m worried this is going to become a thing. Took me right back to the movie. Am I going to come home one of these days to a family of humanoid roach creatures eating everything? Perhaps.
strange magic
I guess I’m digging all the way to the bottom now. Simple, easy story good for older kids and uncynical types. The hair was very Can I Speak To The Manager and the music was icky. Outdated but I’m not even sure it was trying for 2015.
wolf man
Super thin plot. Familiar to a lot of 2000s-era dull horror centered on generational trauma. Some of the visually-told split perspective ideas could have been interesting in a different movie. The actors deserved better. Time passed, checks marked, list item deleted, alright what’s next.
the rule of jenny pen
Very “thanks, I hate it.” Almost a documentary from my experience working in/around aging care. Only thing missing is an old guy yelling about his time in the service, though it’s maybe obviously missing from this because it takes place in New Zealand (hold up, is the “my time in ‘nam” stereotype about to leave the realm of old folks homes? Or will it just be replaced by something-something Kuwait, Iraq?). Lacks the supernatural edge of tr00 horror but nevertheless horrific from the main character’s perspective.
28 years later
Lots of naked zombies in this. This wasn’t the most linear story to follow Days & Weeks, but it still added up to a fair zombie movie with decently fleshed out characters and the gross (or, metal lingo, ~brutal~) scenes one would expect. Nice switcheroo reference to Dawn of the Dead with the pregnancy thing. JIMMAY!
We’re closing in on a new season of horror movies, so I imagine the next movie review post will be full of that. That said, I won a movie theater voucher recently, so just maybe I’ll spice shit up here and report on something right after it comes out. Shock!