I went 5 weeks with slow, spotty internet, one of which I was relying purely on phone data that officially ran out after two days of use so I was stuck on circa-2005 era snail slow data speeds where images and most websites wouldn’t load at all. While largely a miserable time for doing anything normal and putting a literal event to the feeling of disconnection from the world to a high degree of clarity I apparently needed, I was able to set aside the trouble as temporary and spend more time watching movies I’ve largely missed. Naturally, I focused on horror.
I originally wrote mini-reviews aiming for under 300 characters (…and failed many times), but things took a turn when I was inspired by Nosferatu. These are more or less in order, but I’ve left that for the end. Otherwise, I’m partially copy-pasting my original words, partially editing to make them more readable.
Bring Her Back
Eh. I don’t like family trauma movies very often and that was the core theme of this movie. There’s supernatural horror and gore in this but it felt more like slogging through emotional mud. People who evidently don’t like straightforward horror seemed to like this so maybe I’m picky.
The Occupant
I knew the pretty poster was going to be Color Out of Space lies. There was a tiny bit of sci-fi horror but the core of the movie was about addressing grief via one’s own survival. It’s a 5 on IMDB right now and that’s very fair.
Bridget Jones Mad About The Boy
This was my third movie in a row about grief. I would like to watch zero movies about grief. Otherwise, it was an easy watch, simple story, cute but not gross. There would have been pie-related violence if that prick had ghosted me because he boohoo caught fweewings.
The Ugly Stepsister
A horrific adult retelling of Cinderella. Fanciful, beautiful, and fantastical scenes intermixed with raw, off-putting, disgusting shit. Feels like it could be a triple feature between Marie Antoinette and The Substance. Ironically, the lead is quite pretty. This was one of the better, more interesting movies I’ve seen in recent history.
Phase IV
Thought I’d knock off a really old watchlist movie.
The amount of times I was attacked by red ants for merely sitting outside as a kid tells me that this is a fine documentary.
Many super slow, photography-rich scenes. Overall not bad, not great. Could have been better as a short/short story.
Repulsion
I likely have seen this before, but I hadn’t marked it as watched so I would have seen it at least 15 years ago. Details were gone, in any case.
If it weren’t for the horror element and the probable “man interprets women as frigid, fragile things in which to conquer” guilty conscious on display issue coming from the director, this was closing in on some asexual representation.
60 years later, this could have been snappier and I was getting bored by the end, but I liked the symbolism of the beauty salon, the rabbit, the nuns. Weird how little changes despite all.
Scanners
The opening mall scene reminded me of how sterile common spaces have become. Bring back warm colors & neon to the design world, please. Otherwise, I watched this movie while experimenting with a new tarot technique, so my original “review” is full of spoilers. All in all, the movie wasn’t quite what I expected, but it was plenty interesting.
Prince of Darkness
Through 2025 eyes, this one was not what it likely would have been in 1987. 80s/90s me would have liked this movie more.
The beginning is a bit of a drag and made me hate the leads but some of the stupid one-liners and visual gags made the movie. I particularly liked the compact mirror scene. (Same, girl.) Also enjoyed the thousand candles, spotlights, and still somehow the guy was conveniently walking around with a flashlight. How many god damn lights do you need? And why all these lights and equipment yet not a single security camera? Did no one think to film the evil lava lamp? I guess that’s what you get for recruiting 40 year old college students for shit.
Maybe a coincidence, but I noticed “homosexual panic rash” boy was named Walter, which is the name of the guy who owns (get this) Walter Chang’s Market in Tremors, who is the professor in this movie.
Also a fun (backwards) reference to They Live with “I live!” as well as the alien talk.
The Stuff
Lovably stupid & very 80s.
It was a trip to see real products & design aesthetics of the time in the background of shots. When did that go away? How’d I miss it? Is novelty-chasing and catering to the youth core to the human experience so much so that the old just disappears one day in favor of next new big things? I think of the concept of kipple but cultural waves of poverty & minimalism between the blind consumerism take care of unloved things and newly perceived, once-trendy trash.
Ironically, with as absurdly written the movie is, the essence of the plot could be reworked and modernized.
I should point out that a lot of what I saw as “80s” was meant to be consumed. Even the more static and enduring things – neon signs, wood paneling – are meant to eventually become future trash. Nothing lasts forever. Maybe that’s what much of human choices are about.
Anyway, I’m perhaps overthinking this movie, but it’s on brand, for both me and the movie.
Bride of Frankenstein
Men will do anything except go to therapy. I want to know what women of 1935 thought of this, especially those of the feminist variety. (I ended up trying to look it up but got paywalled. BOO.)
Crazy goth vibes without the punk influences that came from goth aesthetic in/after the 70s. It’s probably best I didn’t see this as a kid, already being pretty inclined to darkly things.
I cried at the friend scene.
FIRE BAD.
The Blackwell Ghost
And here comes The Blackwell Ghost. I watched all 8 movies. In a row.
10/10 found footage horror I somehow missed last decade. Creepy and effective despite its flaws. It’s only an hour long, which is great for the attention span I’ve lost since 2017. Just might watch the sequels now. Holding out for sentient trees. (Read: low budget found footage series joke.)
The Blackwell Ghost 2
Not as good as the first, as it’s mainly a continuation of the first and the new stuff isn’t followed up on beyond “well, that happened”, and it’s more obviously a faux doc. These don’t have a lot of shaky cam but what’s there got me feeling sick in a hurry, so, fair warning.
The Blackwell Ghost 3
How is he this old but he doesn’t know about *69? Those commercials were relentless when we were kids.
New location, new creepy vibes, but hits the same beats as the previous two movies.
Five (going on six) sequels to go. Dare I continue?
The Blackwell Ghost 4
Still doesn’t know about *69. Continued with the new place and it seems to be more enduring. This installment was more effectively creepy than the previous one and didn’t hit exactly the same beats. This guy lucked out creating an already-solo franchise like this before 2020 (the next movies).
The Blackwell Ghost 5
Some solid movement forward on the second property story but, of course, a cliffhanger. I’m glad these things are only about an hour since there’s a lot of repetitive waiting for him to figure out things that aren’t that complicated.
Three more to go and I’m caught up.
The Blackwell Ghost 6
Shark fully jumped.
We’re at a new familiar location: his house. Still hadn’t dialed *69 but perhaps we know the answer of what would have happened if he’d done so. No mention of Covid-19 even with hospital talk so it feels like a separate dimension. With how bored and irritated his wife was in the previous movies, the plot of this one feels incongruent. Given the houses, daycare, travel, etc: All that movie money must be nice.
Almost caught up. 🦈
The Blackwell Ghost 7
We’ve switched subgenres. Concentration has returned to the 2nd home story, now with a twist somewhere between Saw and The Riddler. The creepy factor has been replaced with tedium. Wtf happened to the teeth…?
One hour left.
The Blackwell Ghost 8
Remember when this franchise was about ghosts? That was pretty awesome.
I knew going into this series that it wouldn’t be the cream of the crop but after the last 2 movies the cliffhangers and tedium have worn thin. Maybe when 9 comes out I won’t care anymore & watch it anyway.
For found footage it kept me hooked until the lack of believability started to take the reigns, so if you like found footage you’ll like this, if only until the genre switches gears to true crime with bonus sad ghost.
I don’t think I’ve seen horror set in Florida before so that was something new.
Cemetery Man
Absurd horror-comedy about the title dumbass having a rough time because the dead are coming back but he just wants love. Seeing this as an older teen might have been fun but it’s a step beyond what I should have been watching in 1994 because of the sexual content. The Grim Reaper figure in this was neato.
Dracula
It’s hard not to think of the recent Nosferatu while watching this 30s classic. It’s also hard not to think about how little humanity has changed in 94 years despite huge leaps in technology.
I’m not sure how I missed this beyond lack of zeitgeist relevance, but it has now been Watched™✓.
Might just have to watch the original Nosferatu now and compare the three. I think it might qualify as the oldest movie I’ve ever seen, once I do so.
That said, I’m jonesing for Fright Night now. Sexy vampire gonna steal yr girl.
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Came across like listening to an 8 year old tell a story someone else told them. No way dude rly? Gosh. I can’t ~believe~ that happened.
Slow. I skimmed. No gods no masters. Just because something is considered a highly-rated classic doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s taste.
Literally said “what the hell” at the ending.
The set dec was 10/10.
Oh, and this is now the oldest movie I’ve skimmed through. The former oldest movie I’ve ever seen, Metropolis, was way better.
Heart Eyes
Today’s medicine.
“best in Seattle” *palm trees in background* *filmed in NZ* …k.
Had post-Scream 90s vibes and felt like a Hallmark romance parody tied with maybe Scream 2..?
Not great but easy and digestible.
The Life of Chuck
I had a rough day battling summer and the lack of proper working internet, so I took a break from horror. Oddly this began much like my day was going. If I made the universe be what it was today, I am a masochist. Sorry, guys. Nice to see kitchen dancin’ in film.
The Hitcher ’86
Do you like Duel but need to see the evil truck driver and have a hard-on for Californian desert scenery? Have I got the film for you. Bonus youthful familiar faces.
Took me back in time to where I grew up. Hey look, more hot dirt!
Curse of the Demon
The more older movies I see, the more I’m reminded of how recycled human stories are. Perhaps in 1957 this was interesting, but I was struggling to remain engaged. Stiff acting. Didn’t care for the “benevolent” sexism. This era of film may not be for me right now. Will try again later.
Grave Encounters
Irritating protagonists get trapped in a haunted building. Much motion sickness to be had. I paused or stopped the movie to recover so many times I just didn’t care anymore. It was similar to Hell House and As Above, So Below (read: two found footage movies I hated). I should watch Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum already.
Eddington
Fine lines everywhere. Made me think of the Primus song “Conspiranoia”. The core plot has Taxi Driver vibes. Some pretty anxious and tense moments and being reminded of that specific time sucks, even if it lives with us still. The Geronimo thing made me lol, at least.
Nosferatu 1922
First, my review: this movie, despite its age, was excellent. The 2024 movie was a modernized step up (particularly in removing focus from the long boat scenes and giving space for now-modern inclination for movie stars), and seeing that movie first probably helped stay on track with the original, but I would have been fine seeing the original first.
But I was distracted when I saw the letter Count Orlok sent to the real estate agent… and proceed jokes.
- Wingdings is the language of death.
- Getting real sick of these cryptic doordash instructions.
- Grown man trying to read his wife’s grocery list. [Bitch we can’t afford a house!]
- I pulled up our zodiac charts and it said we were compatible, Jeff. Just look. See? My house in Envelope trines your Scorpio.
- Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, RUNE-A-PHONE!
- Hi, this is Rite Aid pharmacist Emma Johnson. I’m just looking at the prescription order slip you sent over for Mr. Orlok. I’m not sure if there’s a mistake here or if you actually mean you want him to take 3 scythes and 1 house every hour, because that doesn’t sound safe..? Oh, just 1? Alright!
- He glanced at the slip of paper he found on his Tinder date’s nightstand. There, to his horror, he learned that not only had she revealed herself to be a horse girl during their earlier coffee date, she was also an astrology girl. This would not do. He began to call an Uber.
- High school math was just too difficult for poor, sad 17 year old former child prodigy Lillian. The big red “F” and “SEE ME AFTER CLASS” doodled over her attempt at trigonometry told her she was definitely not getting into her first choice school now.
- Being able to read personalities from handwriting alone could sometimes be a gift, but looking at his elaborate letter signatures, she could tell this Orlok guy was a real twat.
After that “wingdings is the language of death” got stuck in mind, so I made it a shirt. Enjoy.
More crazy movie reviews to come, I’m sure. It’s actually horror movie season now!