I originally wrote this in 300-character blocks. I’ve changed some word choices and expanded on some thoughts for clarity but otherwise wanted to repost this here.
I was reminded what month it was and how I have a few big 20-year anniversaries around this time.
One was that I started scrobbling the music I played. I haven’t been consistent with that in a while, but I had some pretty reliable listening habits and got some good data those first few years.
The first songs I scrobbled:
- Le Tigre – Yr Critique (I totally did that on purpose, didn’t I…)
- Pink Floyd – Sheep
- Fu Manchu – Neptune’s Convoy
- Marilyn Manson – Dope Hat
- Sheavy – Month of Sundays
- Le Tigre – Deceptacon
- Tool – Crawl Away (demo)
- The Dresden Dolls – Gravity
- and then 15 Kyuss songs
I was crazy about Kyuss at that time. Several things contributed but my frustration of having initially heard them after they parted ways led to me being more proactive and intentionally seeking out new music on my own. I was backtracking & history-checking a lot in 2005 but new music was nigh.
I was writing often at the time. The week I signed up for an account I was talking a lot about my new kitten. It also happened to be timed with an event I worked outside in the heat, and in the post I quoted “Spine of God”: “and fry like a pig in the heart of the sun”. Yep, that sounds like 20-something me.
This combination of stoner rock nerdities (both scrobbling and writing about music) led to me meeting a musician whose music I already knew close to that same time. Retrospectively, it was early social practice and a reminder not to meet one’s heroes (though they weren’t anything to me) if you want music to remain fantastical & unbroken by human stupidity.
Alas, the nature of what I wanted with my time meant having to separate human beings from their art and see these things as unrelated entities. On the other side of things, I don’t know if that was the right move, but for a while intellectual separation helped with keeping my eye on the ball.
At this point, I’m no longer listening to one of those bands because of how they seemed as an actual human being, after I realized it was not simply dark “art” or a schtick. Several others went into “should I be listening to this anymore” territory. Now I’m more mindful of who I promote under what circumstances.
But in 2005 I was just picking through what I could to learn what worked for me and hanging out with my new, weirdo cat.
That said, it’s pretty sad to look back and realize none of the people I knew at that time came with me on my journey even though I made it easy to do so. Something-something “Johnny Blade” quote.
…
Fuck it, I’ll keep typing. Later that year I went to a concert alone. One person who was unnerved by the idea of a woman doing anything alone reported on my solitude to a friend, who then told me they would have gone with me. I called their bluff by inviting them to see a show later. They made excuses. Of course they did; everything had to be on their terms.
I tried again with the same person later with pre-approved music and found they kept bringing the energy of things down or trying to force me into shit I didn’t want. Since they had turned their nose entirely on heavy rock, and that’s where I was at, I decided that was that, then. Guess I was on my own if I wanted to see live music.
Then I had a brief “boyfriend” who didn’t know Nirvana. wtf. How are we supposed to talk to each other? (Not that there was much talking.) I didn’t even know that band was a marker of pop culture awareness for me until that second. Just, how? How do we live in the same universe? Nevermind indeed.
Then it was a guy whose musical interests overlapped my own. We soon got into an argument because he made an arrogant, probably-narcissistic statement I thought sucked, followed by him discounting every musical thing I said after that. His heavy interests also ended at top-list bands, where I kept digging, which was evidently a problem for both of us.
Then an old friend showed up and ruined my day by referring to music I was actively listening to (metal) with broad strokes about aggressive masculinity… I was listening to stoner/doom. Electric Wizard lyrics aside, what aggression?! Also I’m a lady, so what the hell. Nevermind this dumbass shit, too.
And more people here and there for about two years until I hit point Fuck This Shit and quit talking to those who didn’t even bother to try to meet me where I was, musically or otherwise.
Started a song blog, unofficially met my future music colleagues about five months later, and I could breathe for a while.
…
Typing this whole thing reminds me of the zeitgeist-related fragility of most relationships. Maybe it’s best to persistently look forward, especially in situations where people don’t hold space for shared growth & connection. Alas, I’m a sucker for hope and keep getting stuck on incurious people who don’t “yes, and?” with me.
Right as I posted this Big Biz’s “The Drift” shuffled on. “You take the east and I’ll take the west – if we meet up in the middle then we know.” Yes, exactly. Winamp Oracle has spoken. (Note: I think the song might be about people who are fake/all talk, but, close enough. Still applies.)
Anyway, I miss my weirdo cat. He didn’t really have a choice in the matter but it was nice to have some consistency regardless of my social disappointments during the 15 years he was alive.