solar return time anew

Since it’s about that time, I thought I’d type about my Solar Returns for the last two decades. This is for x year from June until June of the next year. I haven’t included every aspect to the Sun or Ascendant ruler but these are the big ones.

Further, I tried to keep it under 300 characters for each description before realizing this was going to be too long to post on Bluesky, but the essential brevity stayed. I could definitely type more and get into the weeds, but at this scope, brevity works best.

FYI: I have a Libra Ascendant, 9th house Sun natally.

1994: Virgo Ascendant (Mercury in 11th), Sun in 10th square Saturn
A fair place to start – 30 full solar return years ago. Here, I started middle school but moved halfway into the year because of a divorce in progress in my family. Pluto is conjunct the IC in this chart. Whatever new independence that might have come about for a 10th house year was likely dampened since I was 12.

1995: Scorpio Ascendant (Mars in 10th), Sun in 8th conjunct Mercury/opposite Jupiter
Crappy year. Felt worthless, suicidal, neglected, and ignored in vital ways while bullied or scapegoated for everything else. Basically just tried to keep my head down but people are awful anyway. It was also a creative year – I was writing.

1996: Capricorn Ascendant (Saturn in 2nd), Sun in 5th opposite Moon
Moved, started high school. Still creative. Realized my typical friend choices no longer applied anymore and sought new people to hang out with. Felt like I could breathe at home for the first time in years.

1997: Gemini Ascendant (Mercury in 12th), Sun in 12th conjunct Ascendant
Pretty good, stable, nice year for the most part making the most of being a dumbass teenager without commitments or the strongest sense of self. Some brief dramatics from folks trying to tell me how to live (no).

1998: Leo Ascendant, Sun in 10th conjunct Mars, Sun opposite Pluto, Sun square Moon
Expressed human independence & autonomy of self and the control freaks around me flipped out and grasped harder. Started dating a fucking angel.

1999: Scorpio Ascendant (Mars in 12th), Sun in 8th, Sun opposite Pluto
Fully separated from recent ex-but-best-friend against our will. Disgusted about it and lonely. Made the mistake of pseudo-dating an unstable idiot. School & home both fucking sucked. I felt like I had no future and would never not be poor.

2000: Capricorn Ascendant (Saturn in 4th), Sun in 5th conjunct Moon/Venus/Mars and opposite Pluto
Graduated on my birthday. Moved. That 5th house: lol I was invited to a drunken orgy. I went to my first concert. Got my first real taste of anti-LGB crap outside of older family members and religious weirdos. I started writing constantly. I started dating a fellow Gemini. Some early seeds that music was my ‘thing’ but I was in denial and didn’t have any role models.

2001: Gemini Ascendant (Mercury in 2nd), Sun in 1st conjunct Saturn/opposite Pluto
Decided it was time to take steps to make the future I wanted, which primarily included my relationship. As soon as I started making changes, relationship started dying. Fully distraught. Spent some time with my dad and did some minor suffer-traveling with him. Almost started school but I didn’t feel safe. Went hard on astrology.

2002: Leo Ascendant, Sun in 10th, Sun opposite Pluto/trine Neptune/still conjunct Saturn/square Moon
Depressed nearly all year. Felt like a failure of a human being. Couldn’t get anything done or sorted out and had almost no energy. Tried to start a business but it didn’t go anywhere. Tried school and it was like I couldn’t think straight and the school had full-of-shit vibes. Started dating someone and had 3-4 months of hope again.

2003: Libra Ascendant (Venus in 8th), Sun in 8th, Sun closing out a wide opposition with Pluto
Not feeling good. Lost. Aimless. Put all my stock into my relationship that felt like a shrinking box & didn’t understand how it could suck that much when it was good at first. So much arguing. We broke up before the end of my solar return year.

2004: Capricorn Ascendant (Saturn in 7th), Sun in 6th trine Neptune
Moved, cat died traumatically, grieving hard between that, breaking up with boyfriend, and feeling like I had no friends anymore. At some point it hit me I had all the freedom ever now. Sights remained small but what did I want for me now? Just before the year ended, I got a new cat who became my favorite person ever.

2005: Taurus Ascendant (Venus in 2nd), Sun in 2nd, Sun conjunct Mercury in 1st, Sun trine Jupiter/Neptune, Sun square Uranus
Stable work year, made the most money I’d ever made up to that point (which wasn’t much), ate well, and started looking beyond mere survival. How about a couple of concerts? Fixed a health issue and briefly dated someone new.

2006: Leo Ascendant, Sun in 11th, Sun square Uranus
Thinking a lot about music & how I could make it work. Uranus was transiting through my 6th house at this time and my work environment was unstable whether I made it that way (job experimenting) or not (terrible coworkers & shitty hours). The 11th house part showed up more in the abstract of music appreciation and realizing I needed friends who shared that with me now that I was well beyond radio music.

2007: Libra Ascendant (Venus in 10th), Sun in 9th opposite Jupiter
Hurt my hand while on a travel adventure and decided it was a sign I needed health insurance more than I needed to work one-handed for a boss who didn’t give a shit, so I quit and went back to school. Started music blog and finally met real people who liked cool music.

2008: Sagittarius Ascendant (Jupiter in 1st), Sun in 6th conjunct Venus
First full year in school. Going out, doing stuff, being annoyed by anyone or anything boxing me in or treating me like I belonged in any box ever. Music was The Thing I did now.

2009: Aries Ascendant (Mars in 1st conjunct Venus), Sun in 2nd, Sun square Saturn
WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS WANTS TO HEAR SOME MUSIC?! I got a music-related job and decided to tone my comically antisocial writing voice down for the sake of decorum and probably also logical sense. I probably should have just kept being weird because the folks who needed agreeable sound bites and ego appeasement at this time weren’t worth it.

2010: Cancer Ascendant (Moon in 8th), Sun in 11th
Focused on school and the new job where I was most struggling with the tender social aspects of it but otherwise having a great time doing what I loved doing & meeting fellow weirdos. Someone in my broad sphere had a mental health crisis at me because they didn’t like me talking about music as an independent, uncontrollable woman, and I spent a good while thinking about how my sphere was full of poison like this.

2011: Libra Ascendant (Venus in 8th), Sun in 9th, Sun trine Saturn [New Moon the day before my birthday]
In school. Bad health year that took over everything and completely changed my future goals. Reconnected with someone I thought I’d lost to the ether very close to a death in my family, albeit unrelated. This chart is oddly similar to my natal chart.

2012: Sagittarius Ascendant (Jupiter in 6th), Sun in 7th conjunct Venus/Mercury
In school. Terrible health year. Working with touring bands. New writing project launched. I was in a situationship all this year but my focus was health.

2013: Pisces Ascendant (Jupiter in 3rd), Sun in 3rd
In school. Some of my writing was recognized. Worked with touring bands all around this time, which involved a lot of often tedious paperwork/emails/communication, because Gemini gonna Gemini. Ironically I think this is when my situationship failed entirely on communication and I decided I was done.

2014: Cancer Ascendant (Moon in 2nd), Sun in 12th, Sun trine Mars, Sun beginning its square with Neptune
My final year of school. I started to feel better after a few rough years but was still struggling. Money was a thought but I was more considering my financial future in the abstract. I was nervous about tomorrow and had no clarity but I wasn’t worried about it like I was later.

2015: Virgo Ascendant (Mercury in 9th), Sun in 9th conjunct Mercury/Mars, Sun opposite Moon, Sun square Neptune
I had just finished school & promptly learned I needed to move but had extremely limited/no options. Soon after the absolute horrors of finally moving to an unfamiliar place, my mom’s health went haywire. While the moment was traumatically awful, I was still optimistic that she’d be better soon.

2016: Sagittarius Ascendant (Jupiter in 9th), Sun in 7th conjunct Venus, Sun exact square Neptune/square Jupiter/opposite Saturn (note: grand square)
Reality sets in that my mom was sicker than appearances and I had become her invisible support staff. I tried to work but it was one thing after another with her. Sag/9th house: I wanted to be anywhere except where I was and all but cried waiting for the train because I was skipping an important show to work a job where I had nothing in common with my classist, holier-than-thou coworkers who talked shit about bus/train people then having to return home to yet more mystery issues with mom.

2017: Pisces Ascendant (Jupiter in 7th), Sun in 3rd, Sun square Neptune/trine Jupiter
Soon after SR, mom was diagnosed and dropped off the edge. No sleep for me anymore. I did a lot of irritating paperwork and talked to a bunch of people so I could work and help her at the same time. My dad died and I continued feeling like I was trapped.

2018: Cancer Ascendant (Moon in 7th conjunct Pluto), Sun in 12th conjunct Mercury, Sun still square Neptune
A brief period of calm and trying to help her exist to the best of her abilities while I silently freaked out about her future death. Halfway into the year she started acting extra odd & emotional. Proceed being on the phone a lot more asking strangers for help.

2019: Virgo Ascendant (Mercury in 10th), Sun in 10th conjunct Midheaven, Sun still square Neptune
There is no Mom; Only Zuul. I work harder than I’ve ever worked in my life because her shit hit the fan and no systems meaningfully work when you’re poor and then suddenly there’s a pandemic. I’m technically some people’s boss for a while and have to fire someone because they can’t tell time or follow simple directions or otherwise be relied on for anything so I can work another job or leave the house without worrying about what’s on fire when I return.

2020: Scorpio Ascendant (Mars in 4th conjunct Neptune), Sun in 7th conjunct Venus, Sun square Mars
I give up. She gets permanently hospitalized. I’m left with decades of shit I don’t know what to do with and nowhere to go. I make the fun mistake of returning to an ex. I feel fucking terrible. Pandemic times delay the inevitable and make it so I can pay my bills regardless.

2021: Aquarius Ascendant (Saturn in 12th conjunct Ascendant), Sun in 4th conjunct Node, Sun square Moon in 1st
Ex thing ends for the same reasons as ever. I just exist feeling like trash always. Still inexplicably not homeless and enjoying rooms without tons of suffocating shit in them. I focus on a creative-adjacent project for a while.

2022: Gemini Ascendant (Mercury in 12th rx in Taurus), Sun in 12th
More of the same. Trying to be more zen about not knowing things and trying to trust the universe. Lots of anxiety.

2023: Virgo Ascendant (Mercury in 9th conjunct Uranus), Sun in 10th, Sun square Saturn
Mom dies. Impending homelessness lurks and suddenly I have a place to live at the last possible fucking minute, which meant moving someplace totally new to me in a place where the main people I interact with are ESL, reminding me of where I grew up. Evidently grief is narcissistic men bait.

2024: Scorpio Ascendant (Mars in 6th), Sun in 8th conjunct Venus, Sun square Saturn
Unwanted ends of a relationship & a business right after the SR. Later decide to stop talking to selfish people then quit negative places. Finally have the space to fully grieve & it fucking sucks. I handle some overdue health things and spend most of the year struggling with hot flashes.

******

2025: Capricorn Ascendant (Saturn in 2nd conjunct Neptune), Sun in 4th conjunct Mercury in 5th
Well. I can assume the year’s larger focus will be on my stuff/income and home environment, especially as much as it relates to creative/artistic/expressive topics. I’m finally settled here, boxes 95% unpacked and most stuff put away, but I need to get rid of or use some things that belonged to my mom so my space is more usable. I started a related art project a few weeks ago that’s taking time, so maybe I can continue that theme, but I’m not sure it’s worth it when I need income and might be able to sell some of this. I’d rather just have a job that caters to the fact that my body/brain sucks and destroy or donate what’s there that I don’t want. Looking at previous Capricorn years: wtf, am I going to move? Seems unintuitive but wouldn’t that be astrologically cute.

2026: Gemini Ascendant (Mercury in 1st), Sun in 12th
Guessing 2026 will be largely calm based on previous 12th house Sun years, which would be lovely after recent times.

2027: Leo Ascendant, Sun in 10th conjunct Uranus and beginning trine with Pluto
Do I start dating someone new (based on previous Leo-10th years)? Or is it more of a year where I’m grappling with issues of independence?

2028: Scorpio Ascendant (Mars in 7th), Sun in 8th conjunct Uranus/Venus/Mercury
Jesus christ, I should travel on my birthday that year. The Ascendant is only 1 1/2 degrees into Scorpio here but Libra is out because Venus would also fall in the 8th, so maybe I go 30+ degrees east. It would have to be east of Chicago to get a Sagittarius Ascendant. New York City has a Sagittarius Ascendant, Jupiter in 9th, Sun in 7th. Maybe I try to travel to the east coast for my birthday to avoid whatever nonsense this year involves. Who knows what idiotic state the borders will be in by then. Uranus transiting my natal 9th house conjunct my Sun seems fair for travel, if unpredictable or sudden. These Scorpio Ascendant years have all been trash and I don’t need another one, especially so soon after this one, but who knows if I’ll have the funds by 2028 to recreationally do anything.

And continuing to assume I don’t move, at least not far from here:
2029: Capricorn Ascendant (Saturn in 4th conjunct Mercury), Sun in 5th conjunct Uranus
2030: Taurus Ascendant (Venus in 12th), Sun in 1st conjunct Mars/Uranus [New Moon]
2031: Leo Ascendant, Sun in 11th conjunct Saturn
2032: Libra Ascendant (Venus in 8th), Sun in 8th conjunct Venus – I should travel this year, too.

music & the fleeting nature of friendship

I originally wrote this in 300-character blocks. I’ve changed some word choices and expanded on some thoughts for clarity but otherwise wanted to repost this here.


I was reminded what month it was and how I have a few big 20-year anniversaries around this time.

One was that I started scrobbling the music I played. I haven’t been consistent with that in a while, but I had some pretty reliable listening habits and got some good data those first few years.

The first songs I scrobbled:

  • Le Tigre – Yr Critique (I totally did that on purpose, didn’t I…)
  • Pink Floyd – Sheep
  • Fu Manchu – Neptune’s Convoy
  • Marilyn Manson – Dope Hat
  • Sheavy – Month of Sundays
  • Le Tigre – Deceptacon
  • Tool – Crawl Away (demo)
  • The Dresden Dolls – Gravity
  • and then 15 Kyuss songs

I was crazy about Kyuss at that time. Several things contributed but my frustration of having initially heard them after they parted ways led to me being more proactive and intentionally seeking out new music on my own. I was backtracking & history-checking a lot in 2005 but new music was nigh.

I was writing often at the time. The week I signed up for an account I was talking a lot about my new kitten. It also happened to be timed with an event I worked outside in the heat, and in the post I quoted “Spine of God”: “and fry like a pig in the heart of the sun”. Yep, that sounds like 20-something me.

This combination of stoner rock nerdities (both scrobbling and writing about music) led to me meeting a musician whose music I already knew close to that same time. Retrospectively, it was early social practice and a reminder not to meet one’s heroes (though they weren’t anything to me) if you want music to remain fantastical & unbroken by human stupidity.

Alas, the nature of what I wanted with my time meant having to separate human beings from their art and see these things as unrelated entities. On the other side of things, I don’t know if that was the right move, but for a while intellectual separation helped with keeping my eye on the ball.

At this point, I’m no longer listening to one of those bands because of how they seemed as an actual human being, after I realized it was not simply dark “art” or a schtick. Several others went into “should I be listening to this anymore” territory. Now I’m more mindful of who I promote under what circumstances.

But in 2005 I was just picking through what I could to learn what worked for me and hanging out with my new, weirdo cat.

That said, it’s pretty sad to look back and realize none of the people I knew at that time came with me on my journey even though I made it easy to do so. Something-something “Johnny Blade” quote.

Fuck it, I’ll keep typing. Later that year I went to a concert alone. One person who was unnerved by the idea of a woman doing anything alone reported on my solitude to a friend, who then told me they would have gone with me. I called their bluff by inviting them to see a show later. They made excuses. Of course they did; everything had to be on their terms.

I tried again with the same person later with pre-approved music and found they kept bringing the energy of things down or trying to force me into shit I didn’t want. Since they had turned their nose entirely on heavy rock, and that’s where I was at, I decided that was that, then. Guess I was on my own if I wanted to see live music.

Then I had a brief “boyfriend” who didn’t know Nirvana. wtf. How are we supposed to talk to each other? (Not that there was much talking.) I didn’t even know that band was a marker of pop culture awareness for me until that second. Just, how? How do we live in the same universe? Nevermind indeed.

Then it was a guy whose musical interests overlapped my own. We soon got into an argument because he made an arrogant, probably-narcissistic statement I thought sucked, followed by him discounting every musical thing I said after that. His heavy interests also ended at top-list bands, where I kept digging, which was evidently a problem for both of us.

Then an old friend showed up and ruined my day by referring to music I was actively listening to (metal) with broad strokes about aggressive masculinity… I was listening to stoner/doom. Electric Wizard lyrics aside, what aggression?! Also I’m a lady, so what the hell. Nevermind this dumbass shit, too.

And more people here and there for about two years until I hit point Fuck This Shit and quit talking to those who didn’t even bother to try to meet me where I was, musically or otherwise.

Started a song blog, unofficially met my future music colleagues about five months later, and I could breathe for a while.

Typing this whole thing reminds me of the zeitgeist-related fragility of most relationships. Maybe it’s best to persistently look forward, especially in situations where people don’t hold space for shared growth & connection. Alas, I’m a sucker for hope and keep getting stuck on incurious people who don’t “yes, and?” with me.

Right as I posted this Big Biz’s “The Drift” shuffled on. “You take the east and I’ll take the west – if we meet up in the middle then we know.” Yes, exactly. Winamp Oracle has spoken. (Note: I think the song might be about people who are fake/all talk, but, close enough. Still applies.)

Anyway, I miss my weirdo cat. He didn’t really have a choice in the matter but it was nice to have some consistency regardless of my social disappointments during the 15 years he was alive.

Riven & Exile

minecart madness

Upon finishing the updated Myst remake (now with Rime!), I decided it was time to restart and finish the 2024 Riven remake.

I had tried to play the new Riven last year but didn’t finish it. The heat of the summer mixed with the heat of my laptop and my motion sickness issues all combined into a physical clusterfuck. I got stuck, didn’t know where to go or what I might have missed, and I could not endure feeling that shitty while trying to concentrate on where might this mystery thing might be. I decided to come back later, when it was cold.

I, instead, serendipitously heard about the Myst remake first, and my curiosity about Rime was primary. Finishing the game, though, I was pushed to then finally finish the Riven remake.

Most of my excitement about the new Riven took place last year. It’s been my all-time favorite game since the start. I quite fondly remember playing it on my first PC in the summer of 1998, in part with my nephew. I tried my best then but ultimately ended up having to use a walkthrough to be able to see how the game ends – the marble puzzle (the thing at the top of the big golden dome) got me. I understood the basic logic after some thought but still could not figure out which color went exactly where. Being able to see the game interpreted with new, updated graphics alone was an easy excuse to replay it. In fact, I had replayed the original version in the previous couple of years. I had no idea they had changed and added puzzles, too, which would make for a different experience. Just the new graphics alone, having bought but not fully played the new Myst remake before this year, was worth it for me.

I had not expected, going into the new Riven, the depth of the game that wasn’t present in the original. I hesitate to say exactly what I mean in the slim chance someone is reading these words who likes the Myst universe but hasn’t yet managed the Riven remake or never played any Riven at all. I’ve hinted at it in the last year, but the thing that wowed me was how the original marble puzzle had been altered so the logic was clarified, including tying in how the island world of Riven is unstable so the tail end of the game doesn’t feel so empty or borderline non-sequitur. If you’ve played Riven a bunch of times, you remember the discussion of the world, but on first play, it’s like… what? Why?? In the remake, it’s a lot more obvious.

Replaying the remake this year, I noticed the island’s attempts to keep its instability at bay again, this time with fresh eyes: holy shit, the domes are points of instability!!! The structure used to quarantine a stray unwanted view into space mirrors the structures that the domes sit on. Was this visual necessary to play the game? Nope. But boy did it remind me of the depth of story-telling in a game like Skyrim, where you can randomly come across an old, broken ship in the ocean with dead floating rats nearby, all just because it can exist and therefore does. But the visual – the rats or the break in space-time – takes a dry, 2D experience and makes it a full one.

But good god, those domes. I wanted to live in there. That was so fucking cool. That hit every sci-fi nerdity I have about this damn franchise going back to day one. What a beautiful surprise. I could have cried. I remember 12 year old me getting derailed playing Myst, sitting in the digital observatory just looking at random stars, daydreaming of how wonderful that would be in real life. 15 year old me reading Ti’ana, reading about all these wonderful books and potential worlds once kept safe in D’ni, sealed the deal. You’re telling me 42 year old me is going to THAT fucking space?! YOU BETTER SIGN ME UP FOR THAT RIGHT NOW. Loved it. More please. I probably can’t do another 30 years wait for the nature of human existence but I’ll take a well-funded theme park sooner… or you could let me just fuck around breaking shit at a real observatory, that’d be cool.

The depth also traveled the way of the Wahrk, which I have misspelled as Whark most of my life. His (her?) debut showed up at an unexpected location, but showed up all the same, and of course I had a fine time pestering towards unnecessary results. Color me surprised when the Wahrk punk’d me later. I could have jumped out of my skin and tip-toe ran off punctuated with an “eeee!” for the actual worry I had that I was about to lose a foot. I am also unable to play Skyrim add-on worlds because of the god damn jumping spiders. Fuck no. Is that a cave? No thanks, I’m out, not worth it. “I SEE YOU, DOME BITCH!” My toes! No wonder the Moiety would scare their kids with this monster.

wahrk criticizes cheap christmas light display

The puzzles: Well, they’re different. Some are just a matter of slightly different gameplay due to the updated graphics and intent for VR play. But there are new puzzles, and new ways to solve things, and new places (omfg the fire marble cave), and it collectively lands on quite a different puzzle experience versus the original Riven. In a sense, I found the remake easier because I was able to arrive at conclusions sooner, but someone unfamiliar with the franchise would probably struggle for a while before key things clicked just the same as a new player to any of these Myst games.

That said, even for the different way of going about the marble puzzle, it was still a challenge. I was standing there a good while and had to come back later to make sure I didn’t fuck up some logic somewhere. I literally left that part of that game to go look in-game to make sure the notes I’d taken weren’t fucked up or missing something. My notes went awry a couple of times, especially on the slider puzzle, and my instinct of what to do was sooner correct, so, even though I still needed the notes, ugh. That’s what I get for trying to interpret what I saw before I found how it linked up with what I needed to do.

Gehn being a dick was, also, more obvious. That added touch of the burned book…

…and seeing Ti’ana and Aitrus. Surprise, we tied in the books! Neither were as I imagined in my head, fueled by the visual of Rand Miller before I ever read a single book.

On my second play, too, I was surprised to notice the security cameras around the island can and do follow you around, particularly the one at the daytime Moiety village where everyone’s hiding out from the crazy button-pushing stranger. Similarly, going inside the egg-tree village thing (the thing on the cover of Riven)? Fucking neato! A gothy dream come true. Bunch of silent weirdos just chilling in there, it seems.

the tree ov doom

Overall, while very similar to the original, the remake landed on a different, welcome experience. The graphics were lovely, the new puzzles were interesting without being tedious, the reworked marble puzzle made it actually possible for me to finish the game this century, and omfg space place yes pls. Where do I sign up for the marble mines?

I finished Riven and was just like, well, that was very cool and good, but I have still not finished either Obduction or Firmament. With all these pretty 2020s graphics, maybe I should?

The reason I did not finish Obduction was because I couldn’t get my motion sickness under control. I got pretty far in, got lost, realized I’d have to walk back a while – a key issue in setting off the sick – and just couldn’t do it. I kept thinking maybe there’d be a time when I felt better or could endure spurts of 10-15 minutes of game and 1-2 hour nausea breaks… but, ugh.

I tried. I loaded up a fresh Obduction game. I immediately felt sick, quit. I came back. I got through a puzzle, felt sick, quit. Then I had to walk a while… and nope, stop, can’t do this today.

The logic here would have been to play Myst, Riven (Myst 2), and then Myst III: Exile… and I own Exile, soooo…. Let’s do that instead. It, like the original Myst and Riven, is based in point-and-click even if they did add near-360 views for Exile, and it takes more particular circumstances to set off my motion sickness versus how quickly modern games do.

So.

I played Exile for the first and previously only completed time in very late 2003/very early 2004. I had bought a new computer tower on sale on boxing day and my first order of business was Exile.

That year I was with a guy who was, in a word, insecure, who had had a series of odd statements and emotional meltdowns because he didn’t like that he couldn’t easily control or manipulate me (or any woman). My empathy for and understanding of his situation had grown thin. A few weeks before christmas, he had another “moment” and I told him I was over this persistent accusation of cheating when I was doing no such thing and barely so much as spoke – online or off – to anyone but him. He was my world, my eggs were fully in this basket, and yet he was constantly moping and making shit up about it because I didn’t perfectly read his mind at every step. How’s about a therapist? Retrospectively, he was uptight, and even for my depression and lack of certainty about anything, I still needed for a creative variety he never had and didn’t meaningfully support (as far as it applied to me) for clinging so hard to typical middle class “supposed to” and “what will the neighbors/other men/my parents/god think” ideas. Eventually we likely would have broken up. But it didn’t have to be like that, treating me like I was his personal devil. He spent December pissed off at me for telling him pointedly that I wouldn’t put up with this any longer. There was a brief period of quiet during the time I played Exile, overlapping into January, at which point The Real Fighting began. I no longer remember anything about it beyond themes of him being angry he couldn’t control me and a sudden switch point when intense anger turned into intense love before floating off into the ether of nope, nevermind, love is not enough, when we finally broke up in April after he shut down because I mildly disagreed with him. I swear Pink Floyd has a song about this. Unfortunately, 20 years later, I still find men my age, on whole, to be pouty children who don’t know the first thing about communication if the vaguest hint of an emotion might be involved.

In short, when I was playing Exile for the first time, there was a bit of tension in the air. That I don’t have strong memories of playing it – beyond that I played it – seems quite fitting. I was running on a good moment (yay Myst! yay new computer!) but the background noise overwrote any fond memories I might have been able to hold on to otherwise.

I don’t remember when, but I did try to play Exile a second time. I ended up lost, turned around in a jungle tree, feeling motion sick, and I guess I just didn’t want to bother with it any further.

This time, with my motion sickness issues at play, I decided that I wouldn’t make this experience too difficult for myself. If I hit a snag, I would use a walkthrough. I’ve played and beaten Exile before, so, no big deal. Just make it a smooth, fun, light experience and get that ex noise out of the forefront of my memory of playing this thing.

As it seems 24 year old games don’t play on modern computers, I ended up using my own physical discs loaded through ScummVM, and I had no issues getting it to play, save, or load (though I had to learn the hard way that my independent install was no good and I had to use the data files instead). My computer also really appreciated not having to heat up to play this.

I remembered the beginning of the game just fine. You arrive to a story of a task to go do – as with all these games – and in your wandering you meet the game’s villain who sends you on a wild goose chase. I didn’t specifically remember how to play the first major puzzle of how to make certain things function so you can visit another book world, but I had a sense of it and was able to fairly quickly figure out how to get to Voltaic (book one for me). Edanna and Amateria took a bit more thought and forcing myself to remember to look around and not just directly ahead, but those similarly came together without a ton of struggle.

Right away, the graphics struck me as old, lacking in clarity, and low-res. In 2001 (when this game was released) 800×600 resolution was the standard, everyday norm for computer screens. Checking my screenshots, it appears that the upper resolution of the game is around 1280×720. My current screen is 1920×1080… So, of course, that’s going to look grainy at full display and weirdly small at its natural size. My computer monitor in 2004 was made (or sold to me, anyway) in 1998, so, safe to say, I didn’t notice the resolution problem back-when. I don’t believe I would have thought the graphics were state-of-the-art then, but I probably wasn’t put off beyond being annoyed that it was hard to tell where certain things were.

In time, I forgot about the graphics unless I was specifically taking a screenshot, leaving me feeling like nothing I took would ever do the experience of the game justice. The sound and atmosphere of this game is, even for today’s standards, worth the price of admission. Arriving on Voltaic and conquering its larger puzzle still had a wow factor. Like, wow, imagine if that really existed. Wow, imagine actually going to a place like this. Wow, how the fuck did they squeeze these huge machines into that tiny book screen – or, wow, were these machines written into this world? Wow. Very cool. I like.

I didn’t want to go to Edanna next because I can still remember being stuck in the tree, but it was next.

And what do you know, it wasn’t long before I was turned around, frustrated, uncertain, feeling sick, stuck in the fucking jungle-ass tree. Is it even a tree? It feels like a big tree, even if it isn’t.

I tell ya, though, the aesthetics of Edanna are something else. I knew I found mushrooms and borderline sentient plants compelling before 2004 as kid me loved me some FernGully, but I can’t help but wonder if me digitally crawling through a bioluminescent mushroom-peppered log reinforced a later need to put giant mushrooms on my living room walls years out. Alas, those mushrooms were specifically from Blackreach in Skyrim. It seems my interests are consistent, at least. Mushrooms! Space! Books! The same video game franchises for decades! Horror movies! Buying unnecessary scented candles at the grocery store! When’s the last time I bought a new band shirt!

help them grow

Anyway, I ended up needed pointed in the right direction because I could not figure out the sunlit flowers. I was SO close but had failed to notice something retrospectively obvious. At least I didn’t completely just quit the game like last time. After that it was all only once-traveled territory, and I totally forgot about the lotus but, at the same time, it felt like I’d entered some old dream I’d had once.

All I remembered about Amateria is that there was a point where I would be making a ball smash into a million pieces, leading to 21 year old me laughing and pulling the lever just to hear the sound, over and over. I remember telling my boyfriend about it because of how amused I was. Big surprise that a couple of years later I would fill with absolute glee anytime a piece of glass cracked at the kitchen I worked so I could throw it hard into the broken glass bucket with that amazing, terrible, jarring sound. Why this, of all things? We may never know.

What I didn’t remember is how to solve a single fucking thing in this world. I understood the basic logic quickly, but, uhhhh… how? The first puzzle, okay, fine (teehee, the noise). The sound puzzle, well, I don’t know what the fuck crack anyone here was smoking but fuck you. I was burnt out by the third. Just give me the answer, let me be done… Alas, there was a fourth. Great, cool, I’m a pinball now. Roller coaster ride! And I’m fucking sick again. I appreciate the ride, I appreciate the subtle call-back to Riven’s marble puzzle, but god damn that was tedious. Why’s everything gotta be broke? Stupid jerk leaving his damn papers everywhere… Pick up your shit.

I rather enjoyed meeting Exile’s villain in the digital flesh. I mentally wandered, thinking about this actor playing to a green screen so convincingly, followed by a fallout of thinking about how in this game he’s just older than I am now. But the final puzzle, good god, what the fuck? Does anyone ever look at these puzzles for the first time and just know what to do, because even having a sense of the thing I still get tripped up. I had a near-flashback of poking the wires 21 years ago. I must have been staring at them a while. This time, though, I wasn’t feeling up to a multi-day experience of staring at the same screen wondering how I’m somehow still fucking this up, and referred to my walkthrough. Solving that eventually led to a multi-dimensional universe of potential conclusions, and I saved just in time to witness them all before leaving at the final, kindest choice. Bye, Wormtongue!

As an aside, is Atrus just oblivious or what? How does he end up in these situations, with these people?

Finishing Exile, it seems next on track is Myst IV: Revelation, which I also own a hard copy of. My memories of this game are centered on the aggravating horrors of the light soul puzzle. Fuck that thing. It’s harder than the marble puzzle for sure, and I don’t wanna. I also remember the graphics are different and motion sickness issues were a problem for me when I played it, so, I believe I may need to take a break before I get around to it. Maybe watch a TV season or some movies or write or whatever, just to give myself a moment free of head pain paranoia.

In the meantime, it sure is nice to play these games and toy around with the ideas of this franchise and universe. Quite a reminder of why I enjoyed and continue to enjoy it so much. It’ll be interesting to get through Revelation and, perhaps, maybe finally play Uru and End of Ages… and, of course, Obduction and Firmament. Hope there’s mushrooms and space whales. I already know there’s going to be some really big, out of place trees. What’s a Mysty game without a giant alien tree?

prison island: a giant-ass treeeeeeeee

I finally played the updated Myst.

Rime

If you know me at all, you know I fucking love Myst. I have extremely fond memories of playing it for the first time on 3DO back in 1995, which carried to my first play of Riven in 1998 and falling in love with The Book of Ti’ana in between. The whole franchise appealed to my teenage aesthetic, sense of wonder, and adherence to the scientific method. You mean you can write strange new worlds into existence and then go visit them?! And then write about how the weird alien place works?!! OMFG YES!

Adult me, however, can’t control her motion sickness and comes with mysterious hand pain. Playing these games is a recipe for headaches at best, especially the updated ones which are no longer point-and-click static screens. When the latest rework of Myst came out in 2021, I didn’t last five minutes before I felt sick. I tried looking around the empty island hoping something would strike me enough to endure, but I just couldn’t do it. I figured I’d come back when I felt better but who knows when.

A week ago Cyan & Myst surprised us with an update to the game, including a lesser-known Age (read: world of new puzzles to solve) that hadn’t been in the 2021 update, that I’d never played before. What better time than now to actually try to finish Myst?

And so, soon, a new Myst journey was upon me.

Turns out when you’re compelled to find out how Rime ties into Myst, you’re compelled to actually finish Myst, even if you can only play in 15 minute bursts.

And so I did it (read more below the separator, including possible spoilers). I finished the 2021 Myst, and I found Rime, and I solved the Rime puzzle, and now… I am pleased I did it, but also a bit frustrated. Why you no my real life? I wanna hang out with the whales and write in a journal and sit on a breezy Channelwood walkway thinkin’ ’bout the frogs. Skyrim, certain movies and books, have had this sort of impact, but Myst’s early influence seems tied into my general psyche. I just want to keep playing and exploring and picking through new books. What else is there to solve?

Alas, that’s where me finishing the Riven remake comes into play. I also never finished Obduction (got too sick). So there’s my answer. Indeed, I could also replay the other Myst games or re-read the books.

For now, I’ll take a break, do some other things with my time, let my hand heal a bit, and create a bit of longing for another game featuring a very large tree for some reason.

Speaking of, here’s a totally not dirty nope haiku I just wrote.

Myst, goggles pulled up,
squinting at the giant tree
powered on for me.


Alright, here’s the original thing I wrote after I finished the game. Mild spoilers ahead.

Finally finishing the updated Myst (now with Rime!):

Still love this game to bits. Getting my motion sickness under control was an issue but not as bad as the first several times I tried to play the new Myst. Rime coming along was a motivator as I’d never played it before.

A lot of the awesome magic of this game in the 90s has faded to a charm today, but the updated graphics help (and remind me that I need to finish Obduction and Riven). The digital characters aren’t great to look at but the scenery, atmosphere, and overall aesthetic is lovely.

I had some issues with remembering the original way to play and thus not taking the “new” game as-is, but I figured things out. I still have the guide book from 1995, which I pulled out for the underground maze to check if I was on the literal right track after I got turned around which step I was on in my notes, and was amused to see I was one step away from solving it from the point I got turned around at (a problem with my notes and not the game). Writing everything down and not taking anything you see for granted is still key.

I appreciated that the keyboard puzzle had markers so I didn’t absolutely have to be able to hear it. The very first time I played the game I was with a deaf person and got thrown the controller for Selentic, so seeing a way to solve puzzles without sound was nice just from that standpoint.

Selentic: Not too hard on land. Underground, still requires good notation or a fair amount of patience. A lot of people seem annoyed at the maze but teenage me and 40-some me both found it tedious but simple. Loved the crystals and the little pond area.

Mechanical: I couldn’t figure out the count/spacing between the islands and did a lot of walking back and forth, but otherwise an easy Age. The initial clock lock made me yell “I hate slide puzzles”.

Stoneship: Not too difficult once I remembered to turn around and actually look to see there were two doors, not one, which kicked my ass when this was point-and-click. Still love the vibes of the undersea place and wish I could sit on the steps & watch the ocean.

Channelwood: Oh my sweet love, how I heart thee. The visual cues made it easier not to get turned around. The frogs were a nice touch. I would love to live here and was sad to leave.

It’s fairly obvious as a grown adult that these boys can’t be trusted so I was easily able to do the perhaps right thing and hang out alone in D’ni for a minute. Seeing Rime waiting for me, I went to go figure out how to get there… and it took a while. I thought I was missing a panel or button somewhere and it turned out I needed to leave the room. It seemed obvious once I realized what I’d been looking at.

Rime itself is beautiful. Loved the auroras. I initially missed a button so I was struggling at first, but once I saw it, solving the puzzle was mostly a matter of solving unknowns for the knowns. My initial notes were wrong, which tripped me up and made me approach the color puzzle incorrectly, so it took a while, but it would have been simpler if I’d seen the puzzle before I took notes knowing a puzzle was coming.

I like how Rime added D’ni lore to my brain. It was odd reading the boys’ notebooks, though, trying to balance the who-they-were with the who-they-became. Also makes me wonder if Atrus’ entire lineage is poisoned or if there’s something about the D’ni where they intrinsically view non-D’ni as subhuman. Perhaps an appropriate thought for this time in history. In fact, I internally joked that Achenar was Elon, so perhaps Sirrus is RFK. Unfortunately, there is no Atrus to trap these guys in a book in our present timeline, and whether there’s ever a Stranger, well, they’re probably still stuck downstairs on the dock poking in “69” to see what happens with the water and Beavis-laughing about it.

Anyway, I’m super biased as Myst was my favorite game until Riven came along and the Myst franchise generally is a favorite thing, but it was nice to play the 2021 update in full finally. Perhaps I’ll get back to the new Riven (which, by the way, the new way to solve the old marble puzzle made my DAY last year, SO COOL) and eventually get around to finishing Obduction. For the moment, the motion sickness and my hand pain need a damn break.

music update time

How’s about a list of some music from this year so far. I will forget things and have undoubtedly already lost things, but it’s a start.

Conan – “Frozen Edges of the Wound
Aggressive, pummeling, heavy sludgy doom meant for grimaces and headbanging. New album out 4/25.

Kavadar – “I Just Want To Be A Sound
Bright and poppy from a band that I swear was closer to psychedelic heavy rock ten minutes ago. New album on 5/16.

Witchcraft – “Burning Cross
New album coming 5/23. I nearly had an existential crisis realizing I’ve been listening to this band just short of 20 years as I reflected on this news. I got distracted by all of the social in-breeding connected back to this band. Before the thought could settle, the source of trouble contacted me out of the blue to cause further ruckus. I handled it poorly, which is probably still better than just sending a voice clip of me screaming “FUCK!!!!”

Lisa – “Born Again
Just a single for all I know. Listened to for Doja Cat and was pleasantly surprised.

Masters of Reality – “Mr Tap N Go
Who wants to be reminded of Primus today? New album 3/28. Been a long time.

Lady Gaga – “Abracadabra
Excellent choreography. The song has a house feel to it akin to Vitalic meets pop with a sprinkle of Siouxsie Sioux snuck in there. 3/7.

Lola Young – “Messy” (live on Graham Norton)
This song came out last year but I skipped over it. I appreciate what’s going on here even though the elevator-esque genre is horrifying to my metalisms.

Chappell Roan – “Pink Pony Club” (live at the Grammys)
I’m sure this song has a bit more life left in it, but this performance felt like a scintillating goodbye to years of singing it and a solid year of her dramatic increase in popularity. Dare her to dye her hair now.

Doechii – “Denial Is A River
This would have been welcome in 1995, so it tracks that she opened the video with a sepia sitcom background… and gradually modernized it.

Peter Murphy – “Swoon
Trent Reznor did what now? SOLD! New album 5/9.

The Otolith – “Glimmer
This single came out today (for the day I’m typing this). It feels strangely short given their usual 9+ minute songs.

The Jesus Lizard – “I’m Tired of Being Your Mother
Same. These fuckin’ kids better grow up fast or git.

Gaytheist – The Mustache Stays
This just came out.

Serial Hawk – “Pulsate
There’s not a ton going on here beyond mood-setting, but, like… OMG new Serial Hawk! Album 3/21.

Year of the Cobra – “7 Years
Their new one just came out.

Amenra – “Forlorn
Speaking of YOTC, their bassist is playing in Amenra now. And new Amenra album 3/28.

Sumac + Moor Mother – The Film
100% this one is going to be interesting. 4/25.

Pigs x7 – “Stitches
4/4. Time signature or album release date? Guess you’ll have to listen to it.

Turtle Skull – Being Here
5/23. Get relaxed.

Robyn – “Dancing On My Own
This is the first actually older song here, and I’m including it for the excellent performance she had with David Byrne for the SNL50 concert.

Nirvana/Post Malone – “Smells Like Teen Spirit
Same SNL50 concert. Great job to Post Malone, and it was lovely to see 2/3 of Nirvana light up. We’ll ignore the irony of the song here. Yep, just watched it again, 10/10 no notes.

Red Fang – Deep Cuts
Well look who’s back with some fresh ridiculousness. I might need to dig through my old photos to see if one of these songs is something they performed live back in the day that didn’t make it to album. 3/14. Pie!

Ravine
Ripple Music said they were releasing their next album and the promo photo included band shirts from Black Cobra and Year of the Cobra. In short, QUE? Doth thee haveth my heart already? The last album (linked) took me right back to 2007 or 2005, browsing StonerRock(dot)com or somesuch heavy site, so it seems my curiosity it piqued.

White Hills + Gnod – Drop Out III
Space naps a-comin’. 3/21.

Alitila – “This Spruce
Industrial noise time. Disclosure: I made the art that’s on the cover of this album. Apologies to your eyeballs. 3/28.

There are other things coming out that I don’t have full info for or forgot to write down or bookmark, but… Al from Sleep/OM paired up with David Eugene Edwards from Wovenhand for a pair of songs coming out 4/25. So that’s something else to look forward to.

And finally until the next time my hand doesn’t needlessly hurt circa ten years from now,

Nasalrod – “The Maker
Watch the video if you’re a Portland-area music fan. The song came out last year but the video is new today. Them people and places sure look familiar.

The Movie Report: January Update

We’re at that odd time of the year where I’m burnt out from the horror movie and year-end seasons, movies I mean to see before awards parades I’m either not in the mood for or they haven’t been widely released yet, and I keep thinking “I should watch this old movie and have an existential crisis about how old I am” to knock some supposed classics and best-ofs off my queue. It’s probably a clue that I should actually knock out a book or do some creative things. Alas, the hurty head times are always lurking in the shadows demanding 2 hours of stillness, so here we are again.

Heretic
At first I thought it seemed a bit cruel that this featured two mormon ladies. Like, y0, we’re picking at the bottom of the barrel of society here. But, if it were two missionary boys, the movie would have ended when Hugh Grant held up an old Playboy and excitedly asked “who likes dinosaurs!!” Repressed Brother Smith had prayed for this day for years! Anyway, reminded me of a cross between Nefarious, Barbarian, and Men. Fine but not fantastic.

Red Rooms
True crime courtroom Batman. Interesting enough but best worked for me in context of cleansing me of lingering negativity towards emotionally intense French movies and/or Canada.

Things Will Be Different
RIYL low budget time travel movies. In this one the characters are already aware of the time travel, so, that’s new. Did not like the filming style. The ending felt off and made me feel like I missed something, which is altogether possible.

Anora
While not the same tone or level of violence, RIYL Tarantino movies. Absolutely do not watch this with stuffy or emotionally immature people. I feel like anything else I say would be a spoiler, but the synopsis of a sex worker meeting a rich guy whose parents aren’t about that shit is accurate. I’m curious to see how the Oscars treat this movie given its content. Otherwise, a very decent movie and caused me to tweak my early end-of-year list.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 1974
Well shit. Now I see all of the references in those Rob Zombie movies. Excellent set dec. Definitely in the “WTF” camp. Better than I thought it was going to be. But I’m still not much of a fan of slashers. Teenage me probably would have liked it more but I have since grown empathy and tired ears. (When they pulled up to the gas station, I swear the guy was going to scream “Pancakes!”)

Nightbitch
Mild horror drama about motherhood being a burden. If you’ve ever had to take care of a person, young or old, for an extended period of time alone, you’ll perfectly understand it. I lol’ed when she talked to the cat. The rating it has is fair considering who tends to rate movies. Meanwhile, I had CSS’s “Art Bitch” stuck in my head the whole time. Almost relevant!

Rumours
This was my punishment for not checking ratings for movies before watching them and believing the cast alone would make for a good watch. Maybe going in blind on movies is not the best policy. Either way, didn’t care for it. This was my first movie seen of 2025.

Turning Red
The talk about this movie 2-3 years ago led me to believe it was going to be about periods. It was actually just a general coming-of-age movie focused on a do-good teen girl learning to live in her own shoes and her family’s matriarchal culture. Decent, easy watch but I’m glad I unintentionally didn’t watch it when it came out because of the parent relationship here.

The Red Shoes 1948
Even 77 years of society and film later, this felt relevant. Men be menning. The long ballet scene was worth the watch.

Dressed To Kill
Pretty transphobic in the way Silence of the Lambs is but worth it for the lols brought on by the “what’s in this drawer?” scene and the lady sitting behind the son scene. Much nudity. Much horrible acting by the second lead woman (apparently she nearly won a Razzie). For 1980, it tried.

Double Blind
I stopped it halfway and forgot I was watching it, and when I finally picked it back up days later it didn’t make much of a dent. It’s not bad, but ultimately it came across as a middle-of-the-road mild horror. It might have been better as a TV episode than a movie.

Jaws
Well, I finally watched the whole thing. I’ve of course seen it in tiny pieces in culture, and one scene reminded me that I rode whichever Universal Studios ride that had a Jaws part in it, but whether I saw it as a young kid is uncertain anymore. It felt new… and it felt like 1975. The vet was an interesting character, the main dudes generally felt well-rounded, and the shark had a decent amount of realism even for 2025 standards (let’s be real, special effects peaked in the 80s before digital-everything took over and this movie contributed to that peak). But, brutal death aside, the sense of danger in movies in the 70s doesn’t compare to later iterations. But I saw it, finally.

Sunshine
This title doesn’t lead to remembering it well vs dozens of other space movies. I accidentally started watching Serenity first before I clued in that it was overly SyFy and I should check to make sure it wasn’t a TV movie and I was spoiling some TV show for myself. Indeed. Ok then, another day for that one. Anyway, in 2007 this would have made a dent, but today it mostly caused a strange feeling of realizing things that happened in 2007 now feel dated. It’s not committing any major temporal atrocities, but the small things added up and reminded me that 2007 was 18 years ago and omfg. What the fuck. Why? As for the movie itself, it’s about an earth-saving mission to the sun and a crew with evident brain damage with writing featuring plot holes and direction that reminded me of American Horror Story at times. It’s not terrible, if you like sci-fi with typical human idiots in it you’ll like it, and it had at least one interesting idea, but I checked out by the last third of the movie.

A Real Pain
Given the characters, this felt akin to a comfort movie for people with depression. It kind of just ‘was’.

Nosferatu
Talk about stylish. There are definitely similarities to The Witch, etc, which are hard to ignore. But this movie was the mopey romantic-era goth side of pretty. Kid me would have ate this movie up. I’ve never seen the 1920s original movie despite repeatedly planning to, so I have nothing to directly compare it to in terms of style or story, but as a standalone entity, nice job. Loved the shadow over the city scene. Thought of the movie Legend at least once, as well as The Keep, Fright Night, and Possession, and (of course) Night on Bald Mountain. I am definitely going to see this a second time. Will this hark the return of creepy vampires?

I’m presently planning to type here a bit more often as the social media landscape that I’ve been attached to most the last 15 years has grown stale at best. I’m very much not a fan of policy changes that discount LGBTQIA+ people or allow space to treat non-straight relationships as lesser. The inauguration and the subsequent corporate bootlicking that’s followed despite the president clearly associating with a nazi now fueled to the point of no longer hiding it has really put me off on associating with anyone or anything that’s complacent to this. We can deal with a bit of discomfort and inconvenience in divorcing ourselves from these entities and do better.